"I lay alone awake at night, Sorrow fills my eyes, But I'm not strong enough to cry, Despite of my disguise. I'm left with no shoulder, But everyone wants to lean on me. I guess I'm their soldier. Well, who's gonna be mine"
This morning I was listening to this song on my way to work and it touched me in such a deep way that I had to write about it. The last time a song touch me the way this one did, was when I was on my way to rehearsal and I was listening to Alicia Key's interlude As I Am (Prelude to a Kiss) because it made me think of mama. But this one right here, totally reflects on my life and the way I've been feeling for a long time.
I always give this impression that I'm so strong and that nothing really affects me, and if it does, it doesnt affect me for very long. But thats so not the case. I have a lot of things that I deal with on a regular basis inside of myself that no one will ever know about. Most of the time I feel lost, but I dont allow myself to go into a place where I cant find myself. So in a sense, I guess you can say I have a very strong will power. My whole life I have always been the person that everyone goes to about school, relationships, family, sometimes sexlife. Even when I was a little girl, I would counsel my friends on the playground when they would fight with one another. I guess you could call me the mediator. I've always been the person who knows everything about everyone else because they would come to me for advice.
But no one really knew/knows anything about me.
I've always been a private person. My family doesnt even know that much about me. They have speculated some stuff, but none of them have really ever tried to talk to me about feelings, relationships, school... nothing really. Unless it was pertaining to money or church. As a child, I would watch people, and listen very carefully. I had a lot of, I guess you could say "street knowledge" because I would learn stuff from TV, movies, people in public places, overhearing adult conversations. And I would apply it to my life and whatever situation a friend needed help with. I still people watch to this day. I was reading a conversation in my facebook inbox yesterday that I had with my ex, and it made me realize that I am very headstrong. I dont like for anyone to take credit for my "growth" process in life, because I've always felt as though everything I've went through in life was a reaction of myself. And I still feel that way. Yeah, I'm twenty-two, but my God..... I've been through a lot. And it may not be as much as someone who has clearly had a worse situation than me, but I view them as equally important.
"I bottle all my hurt inside, I guess I'm living a lie. Inside my mind each day I die, What can bring me back to life? A simple word, a gesture, Someone to say you're beautiful, Come find this buried treasure, Rainbows lead to a pot of gold"
As a teenager, I suffered from depression. I would get up, go to school, go to afterschool activities, come home, and go right to my room.. and repeat. I didnt talk to anyone, I didnt want to interact. I just wanted to be left alone. I guess it was easier than facing the problems on the other side of the door. And I think that I've learned to suppress that hurt and disappointment that I felt back then. And everyone now and then it comes back, and I have to figure out a new way to supress it. Since then, I think everything I've done in life has been a reaction to it. I have a fear of failing, and a fear of moving back home.. Failing, because I've always had to be the best at what I do, and moving back because there is nothing there for me but heartache and unresolved issues (that will never be resolved). Which is why, I work so much. I have to support myself, and I have to know that I'm able to provide for myself so I dont ever put myself back in that environment.. I just dont think I would make it out. Not a second time around. I think the only way I would go home is if mama needed me, and thats it.
"I've given too much of myself, And now it's driving me crazy (I'm crying out for help?)Sometimes I wish someone wouldJust come here and save me...Save me from myself"
Right now, I have great friends, a great relationship, and my family is somewhat trying to be in my life. But somehow, its not enough. Lately, I've felt like all my friends are distant. I work a lot, and I usually just go home after work and do nothing. Hang out with Ace. Every now and then I get a text about whats going on. But, I'm never able to do anything. All my friends know my off day is Saturday, but for some reason everything happens Thursday and Friday... hmm.... I know Avery's busy, but sometimes I dont think he realized how much he means to me. I'm happy that he's found happiness in his fraternity, and I know that he has other friends, but unfortunately, I think I had become too dependent on him as a friend, and the only person I've done that with is Dom... and she's never let me down. **sidnote... I miss her soo much* Due to some recent unfortunate events, I'm going to have to move in with my friends, and hopefully this will bring us closer. It's always easier to hang out with people when you have the convenience of living with them.
"Who's there to save the hero, When she's left all alone, And she's crying out for help. Who's there to save the hero, Who's there to save the girl...After she saves the world."
Now... to the reason for the post.
Last year, I got into a HUGE fight with Ace... I mean catastrophic. I had lost all feeling for anything and everything I believed in was challenge, all within a 24 hour timespan. And you know what? No one was there. Not because they didnt want to be, not because I didnt want them to be. But, because they couldnt. I finally came to terms last year that I was not bisexual, but that I only wanted women. And while, you would think it would be liberating to be yourself, and love who you love, and not be ashamed of who you are, it was the most alienating and devisive thing thats ever happened to me. Why? because I was put in a box. As soon as my family found out, I felt like they were waiting for it to fail. One of my aunts just thinks that this is part of a "testimony" and a phase in my life. Mama thinks that she didnt do a good job of raising me, and now questions herself and wants to know where she went wrong. I'm sure if my mom knew and could understand, she wouldnt talk to me. I mean, the list goes on. And before that fight, I didnt care what they thought. I've never felt like my friends were waiting for it to fail, but they really value our friendship and if I were to tell them what happened, they wouldnt have looked at Ace the same way. And I didnt want that to happen. So there I was, alone. With no one to talk to, yet I needed everyone the most then. I think very highly of myself, and that I'm a good person, and I can never understand why bad things happen to me. I'd never felt so alone in my life. All I wanted to do was call home, and get some words of encouragement that Ace and I were going to be ok and that every relationship has its faults; I just wanted my friends to be there so we could have "comfort" food and watch movies and just forget about the events that passed and kindof let the wounds heal. But nothing. I've always been there, always had the right words to say, the world had me when everything was great, but when I needed it, it was nowhere to be found.
"Who's there to save the girl...After she saves the world"
~La'~
