Paradise Circus

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,

we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable

Oh well the devil makes us sin

But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin.

Love is like a sin my love

For the ones that feels it the most

Look at her with her eyes like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

Oh, ho..

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,

we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable

Oh well the devil makes us sin

But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin.

Oh, ho,..

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most

Look at her with her smile like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

2 More months... and a frequent use of the word IMPORTANT.

I can not believe that we are days away from April. I cant remember January and February at all. I mean, I remember a few things, but nothing of real importance. Probably because nothing too important happened during those months.

BUT, as always, a lot has happened in the last week. I realized recently that maybe I've been caring too much, if that's possible. As you know, I've been really stressed out, mainly because of my financial situation, but honestly I think I've learned a huge lesson here: LEARN HOW TO BUDGET...

But more importantly, I've learned a lesson that I don't think many people get the privilege of learning.

When things are too easy, we forget everything. We forget about dieting, we forget about museums, we forget about parks, and walking, and riding a bus just to see whats above ground. And sometimes the Universe has to give us a VERY hard lessen to learn: In order to truly value our success, we must first start from scratch. Without influences, teachings, theories....

I've been so wrapped up in how awful everything has been for me, that I have forgotten the little things.. The important things.

I have people in my life who obviously see my potential, even when I don't, and have helped me in ways that I could have never imagined. Yeah, its been hard, but honestly, it has not been NEARLY that bad.

And so, as Spring so often makes us, I'm going to start looking at the positives, because ultimately, I am in charge of my journey and I decide what kind of energy I'm going to surround myself with.

Spring Cleaning...... But not just clothes, papers, shoes, clutter... But Spring Cleaning my energy and not allowing trivial things, or people, get in the way of my journey.

For a while, I thought that I was plateauing and that I was just giving in to what I thought was to be my new path.. but its not.. Its only a detour, or rather, a different approach to getting where I'm meant to be.

I look around me and I see a lot of waste. So many people take for granted the things that they have... If only they would open their hearts and see that most of the stuff they have, they don't really need. I cant tell you how many times I throw away uneaten food from my refrigerator.. At first, I was pissed because it was just sitting there rotting and taking up space.. but that quickly turned into sadness... Because for the past couple months, I've eaten eggs, and whatever else was inexpensive at the store.. And to think, that the people in my life will buy food, pretend to eat it and then let it sit for weeks without being touched, really did something to my spirit. It made me value things more, especially food. SOO much is wasted in America and it just sucks that most people will never notice it... because it will never directly affect them.. Or, maybe it will.. but most people just see it as a draught, or being "poor" and they dint look at it as a lessen..

Believe me, it is always a lessen, it is always a test... and it is only what we take from it that matters.. It either keeps up stuck, or it helps us grow.

I choose to grow.

Some Call it Coincidence. But I like to Call it Fate...

I am soo bored..

All of my friends are out of town.. and I'm in the heights, and really, I've been in the heights for about a month in a half now... ::sighh::

Tomorrow will be 6 months for me and my significant other.. I'm so happy. I'm really grateful for this love.. It honestly might be the one thing that has kept me sane during this very very dark time in my life..

I just saw the most amazing you-tuber today. Of course, she is a natural hair vlogger, but her tutorials are amazing and her hair is pretty much awesome. I remember when I first decided to go natural with my hair, I was on YouTube EVERYDAY, watching videos, tutorials, hair journeys, you name it, I was watching it. And I learned soo much. But there was so little I could do with my hair because when I cut it, I had a really small fro, and all the videos I was watching were for longer hair naturals. So now that I'm two years in, I can really appreciate these videos and start using the tutorials to my advantage. Especially since my hair is mad long..

Tomorrow could potential change the course of my life.. I am finally meeting with the District Manager of the Soho West Broadway Aveda to discuss the Guest Coordinator position that I have been waiting for, for about a month. I can only hope that she makes me an offer tomorrow and I can put my week notice in at Brooklyn Industries and finally be able to pay my bills. This is all contingent on getting a pay raise, obviously.. But I will be full-time, with Benefits (Contacts anyone?)

High of 57, Mostly Cloudy

Wow, what a week..

Another week atomic bombs. So much has happened this week. Pregnancies, separations, new employments... Its just a lot going on.

I'm feeling MUCH better. Strep throat is no joke.. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm still waiting on my new job offer.. It seems like they really don't need me, since its taking so long to offer it to me. I cant say that its not getting harder and harder each day to stay in New York. I'm losing my fire. I'm so sick of working, just to pay bills, and not have ANYTHING left over... The Guest Coordinator position I'm up for would bring full-time, benefits, vacation time... and a much NEEDED pay raise. Which is why I cant understand why its taking so long to get it. I'm so behind on everything..

I went and sat in a church for 3 hours yesterday and prayed.. Not sure if it's going to do much. I pray at home and my situation is still the same.. So... ya know.. But I must say, the organ that was playing was beautiful.

I'm seriously considering subletting my room, and taking a break from here. It's just so expensive.. But if I took a break, I would lose my job, and when/if I came back, I would have to start over.. and I just cant look for yet another job.. I'm so burnout on job searches. So, maybe a friend will let me crash on their couch or something.. ugh.. why is this my life.

And here I am now, At Brooklyn Industries... Hanging on by a thread.. literally. I think its to the point where I don't even know if I have the energy to have a breakdown.. I had a nice conversation with one of my friends last night.. But I couldn't really talk. It's hard to give advice when your mind is so cloudy.

Humdrum..

The last 3 days of my life have been somewhat of a blur.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with the worst sore throat of my life.. I mean, just awful. But i still worked out (dedication :), came home, showered ate, rested and proceeded to work. I should have known something was wrong when I couldn't open my eyes or move while taking the train downtown. I got to work and all hell broke loose.

I thought that maybe i just needed a tea so I went to Starbucks before my shift started and got a venti green tea, walked back into work, and instantly felt nauseous and could barely stand up. So, my boss let me go down to the stock room and "unload shipment".

Did I mention I had really bad chills? Which can only mean I was running a high fever since my body temp was extremely hot.

Somehow, I made it through the shift, cant say I remember much about it, but I got home and immediately took my temp... 102.2.... waited a 10 minutes, took it again...102.8.. hmm was I dying? I mean really..

My roomie gave me some Tylenol PM in hopes that it would break the fever, so I layed on the couch, immobile, and waited for something to happen..

nothing happened. Took my temp again.. same results.. But I was too weak to go to the hospital so I just went to my bed and tried to sleep it off... Didn't work. I was up half the night, peeing, and wishing I could rip my throat out.

7:30am Wednesday- Got out of bed, took my temp... 102.8... Guess it was time to suck it up and go to the hospital. It took me half an hour just to put on clothes, my body was so weak. Finally I made it to the hospital. Barely able to speak, checked in, vitals checked.. and sat in a chair meant for an eye exam for two hours.. How uncomfortable.. Finally my nurse comes and tells me they need me to pee in a cup.. Something that could have been done the minute they put me in that f-ing room. So, I did.. and waited another half an hour for them to tell me I wasn't pregnant and finally move me to another section of the hospital where hopefully I would be seen faster... hmm, not really.

Finally a room was available and I could lay in an actual bed, well gurney. Half an hour later, a nurse came and checked my vitals and my temp was still 102.. you would think that as an ER, they would move a little faster for someone with a temp that high... ugh, hate hospitals..

So the doctor comes in and actually asks me, "What can I do for you today?"... I'm sorry, excuse me?? Isn't there a chart somewhere that has exactly what I need for you to do for me today, on it? I've told seven other people what I need today, and the doctor is the only one who doesn't know? How odd.. So again, I told her what was wrong, in the little voice that I did have.. she listened to my heart, lungs, checked my ears, and when she finally checked inside my mouth.. her words were, AND I QUOTE, "ooooo....ouch!".....

I'm sorry, did I miss something?

So she decides that its finally time for an I.V. filled with antibiotics, steroids, and fluids, so I can start filling better and we can get the swelling down in my throat.. As much as I hated her for taking so long, I was happy that finally something was being done. Oh, and I got the most painful shot of penicillin in my bum... bollocks.

After another two hours, my fever was finally down to at least 100.1, and they were ready to release me, it wasn't until then that they told me I had strep throat... Where the hell did I get strep throat? I tell you, in the last 5 years, I have never been sicker than how sick I've been since moving to this dirty city... The doc gave me a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and sent me on my way..

So, I've been home.. watching TV shows, catching up on the Oscar nominated movies, and drinking tea, sipping chicken noodle soup, and occasionally sucking on a Popsicle. All the while, my throat still killing me, and popping pills since I didn't get my Tylenol with codeine until today.

I lost out on more than twenty hours of work this week, and while it sounds bad, I think the consequences of going to work, would have been much worse.. Obviously I was super contagious and needed to be confined to one place, just me and my germs.

Last night, I broke.... It's hard to be in an apartment, couped up, just you and the animals, no one to talk to, but hell- I couldn't talk anyway. My only link to the outside world was facebook. And honestly, it was a tad bit boring on there as well. I got really good news last night, but I also got really bad news last night.. I caught up with a friend on ichat- much needed- and since I've been somewhat of a insomniac lately, in order to fall asleep I took a couple swigs of NyQuil around 2am, and was out by 2:15... But wide awake by 8......

Why must the universe toil with me..... constantly...

I decided today, out of exhaustion and possibly starvation, that this is all a test... Just to see how far I can go before I break.. I was at my breaking point last week, or at least I thought I was, when I layed in the bed with drew and nearly had a nervous breakdown.

My hours at work were cut, so I got a second job :/

I made some financial cuts, so I got rid of my iPhone :/ :/

The house in Ohio was foreclosed, so money has been extremely tight :/ :/ :/

Because I'm so poor, I've missed any and every audition worth going to for the season... ugh.

I mean, I really could go on for days.. but I wont.

I will say, in my defense, that I am still alive.. and as hard as it is to do, I am trying to take it a day at a time..

March seems like its going to be a better month for me. I foresee some great things happening. Just gotta make it these last three days in February.

Here goes nothing..

Another 6 month update...

Wow.. I find it hard to believe that the last blog I wrote was in July of last year. What a horrible time in my life.....

I'm happy to say that much has changed.. Whether its for the better, I'm not sure yet.

I started blogging for a natural hair care site. I love it, it gives me something to look forward to. I started working for Aveda, and I have to say, what a blessing that has been. Who knew I would finally stumble upon something that I actually look forward to going to, work that is...

There is a new love in my life.. And I must say that it is wonderful. Finally. Something thats real. This love makes all the other B.S. in my life seem trivial. For someone to be able to come in your life and give you so much fulfillment is just.... bliss.. I just dont take ANY of it for granted.

I was reading essence mag today, and there was an article on finding happiness.. It's so crazy how we allow such insignificant things to affect our happiness.. I decided to meditate for at least 15 minutes a day. I need it. or insanity is definitely on the horizon...

I also started working out. I'm going to actually attempt to wear a bathing suit this summer.. I plan to buy it in April.. so, hopefully, by April I will be comfortable enough to go into a fitting room and try one on.. beer goggles anyone?

~Stay Normal~.

You Never Know How Strong You Are, Until Being Strong Is The Only Choice You Have...

I'm coming up on my one year anniversary of leaving Ohio and moving to the City..

Needless to say, I'm still here.... I've resigned a lease.... I'm still employed... And, I'm still singing and working on my craft. . . .

The Universe has been very good to me :)

~La'

You were always on my mind..

I miss you so much, or maybe I just miss the idea of what we were. I stepped out of your life so that you could do your thing, live your life and move on. We were not meant to be and you know that. But I loved/love you so much. All I have to say is that this is my burden to carry, I loved you enough to let you go.

And you still haunt my life, my dreams, my heart...

Who knew that would be our last Hug..

Hair auditions tomorrow... I have to be up in 4 hours... haha yeah right..

I would love to be seeing the world right now.

Wishful thinking.

January, and its raining in the city..

Often times, I think my mood is greatly affected by the weather outside. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've always spent the winter in silence, not really doing anything. And spring, summer and fall are so vibrant, and I'm always outside experiencing the world.

But New York is different. The air is different, the streets, the water. Everything is so different at home. But I love it here. There is a freedom, and an urgency for art here, so thick that it pulls you in and makes you want more of this thing we call Theatre. I wouldn't change this for anything.

Of course, other things have changed. I got a new job. So much better than where I was working. I've become a lot more settled with the city. It's taken a lot to get used to this. There is a completely different atmosphere than any place I've ever been to.

My new year's resolutions are coming along. Slowly, but surely. I finally got my library card, and I'm going to start checking out the MGM musical movies. I'm excited, I have SO much to watch! So many actors to learn about, I feel so behind! The other resolution has been so far so good. I could have been tempted today, but surprisingly it was cancelled.. hmm, thats strange.

Its very hard to hear the rain here. In Ohio, All I had to do was look out the window and I could hear the pitter patter of the rain against the sidewalk. And the faint but very distinguished sound of the rain falling from the sky. Background noise can be quite intense at times. I long to hear the rainfall if even for a moment.

Just a series of thoughts...

until

Making the list, but not checking for errors...

things I've learned while living in New York;

- you can not make a right turn on red... not ever.

- You can find a job, it may not be the one you want, but there is always one here.

- Your boss does not care about you, no matter what you think, you can and WILL be replaced without warning, without notice, and possibly without pay...

- no one says good morning, except maybe your doorman.. or your pet.

- What your view of New York is, whatever it may be, is probably right, but of course with regulations.

- Every neighborhood is completely different. I live on what I consider the edge of Washington height.. When I cross a certain street, everything changes. The people are no longer Hispanic and are now Jewish.. within seconds.

- Jay-Z is right, Half of us wont make it... I've already seen that happen.

- Only the strong survive here. Believe me, its very hard. For some, that is.

- The people that I thought I would be hanging out with, I haven't even seen yet... I've been here 5 months.. Which lead me to believe that making new friends is a must.. but very difficult.

- Your apartment must be your sanctuary. You MUST cherish it.. It is the only thing that separates you from the madness.

- If you want to be seen, you must put yourself out there. No one really gives you a handout here. Make your own way.

- The best way to learn this city, is to get lost in it.

- Sometimes your kindness and charm doesn't go unnoticed, but most of the time it does.. Still, one must not forget what those things are.

- There is just too much stuff here..

- Times square is absolutely insane... especially around the holidays.

-unfortunately, if you don't know someone with a truck, you must use the subways to move things...and that is not fun at all.

- You must take time to walk around.. even if there is no purpose behind it. Look at the buildings, the architecture, the parks, the trees (when there are any), the river... Its breathtaking.

- Amongst the rubbish, there are a few genuine people. You just have to have a trained eye to see who they are.

until.

The Re-vamp... Also known as a COMEBACK.. bam.

So... after two months of depression and self-loathing, I have decided to re-vamp my blog and change my WHOLE entire outlook on life- beginning with my own.. So, get ready for fashion, drama, theatre, reviews, MAKEUP!! and Any and every other topic I decide to discuss..

At this point, either you're on the bus, or you're off the bus...

Boomkack.

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart...

Even if you were a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even in the bottom of the sea

I can still hear inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart

Well you can try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound

Why don't you hold me, need me, I thought you told me

You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face

And i knew right where I'd fit in

Take me, make me

You know that I'll always be in love with you

Right til the end

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start

It's bout fall apart

So rather than hold onto a broken dream

Or just hold onto love

And I could find a way to make it

Don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Blame it on the Alcohol! (yeah, whatev)

oh My... What a week! First and foremost, TGIF! Secondly, how my life has drastically changed in just one week..

As of Monday, I am single. Wow, I haven't said that in a really long time. And Why you might be asking yourself (or not lol)? Not by choice, but by infidelity. I did not ask for this behavior to occur, but honestly, I should have seen it coming. The phone calls were becoming less and less, there were more events filling her time with lots less time to talk to me, and somehow, I didn't talk to her for entire weekends... Now, how does that work? Also, her track record really isn't that great in the faithful department, so I really shouldn't be so upset.

But, I am.... I was very hurt, and I felt betrayed at first. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I felt like my heart had been stabbed by fifty different knives, and that I would never get through this. Well, that turned into anger because I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be cheated on, even if it was a mistake. I know how mean I can get when I feel betrayed, so I decided that it was best that we be friends because I wouldn't be able to just talk on the phone anymore, since that's really our only source of communication (well, was our only source). But Now, lol, now I'm cool. I still love Ace very much, but I have to live my life. And I cant allow these silly antics to cloud my vision and my purpose in life. Yeah, its OK to be sad for a night, but joy, and oh what joy, comes in the morning PEOPLE... I do want us to be together, and like she said, we will probably end up together. And I really wasn't feeling her when she said that. It seemed a bit cocky to me. But honestly, I do think she is my soul mate, and if we don't spend our lives together, I know we will still be great friends.

Rehearsal is fabulous. Brenda really let loose and sang today and was really getting into her role as queen and she is the ULTIMATE diva. I should be taking notes lol. We did a rough run through of the first act, and I think its going to be really good. I cant believe that I'm working with such great people on my first show in NY. I'm truly blessed and I don't take anything for granted, because it can be taken away in the blink of an eye...

It Doesnt Mean Anything..

Do you ever feel like your life has been somewhat of a dream, or nightmare, that you just cant wake up from? Or that sometimes you feel like a stranger to yourself, watching yourself spiral out of control, yet no one else can see it? Once again, as always, I'm in a weird place in life. I don't know which way is up, and which is down. I cant think about anything clearly, because I'm thinking about everything at one time.

While watching Bridget Jones's Diary last night, one line stuck out the most; "Why is it that when something is actually going right in your life, something else falls completely apart and leaves you in shambles?" I wish I knew the answer to that. I find myself constantly battling to keep everything going right. And it never does.

Why is this my life? Personally, I think that I'm a nice person. I do for others when I can, I make MANY sacrifices for the good or betterment of the situation, I'm faithful, I'm a loyal friend, I try to be a good family member, I keep a smile on my face, when really I'm hurting beyond belief. All in vain. Everything feels like its in vain.

Mama is still at Evergreen. I called my mom last night, and before I could even say how are you, she asked me for money... And her excuse for asking? Her birthday is next week and she wants to be able to do something... I don't even want to discuss my pathetic birthday.. Aunt Jacquie called me the other night, which is very surprising because I haven't talked to her in weeks. I'm wondering if Selina called her and gave her the news.. Its was a pretty unexpected call.

I think that at some point in my life, I will need to see a therapist. I seem to be losing any type of emotion, or passion that I have for the things that I love. This has been happening for a while though, but recent events have just made me really not want to do anything anymore. I just want to work, finish this show I'm in, and just work some more.. I don't really want to audition for anything, I don't want to sing for anyone. I just want to be. I haven't been able to eat recently. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I think it might be due to stress. I just hope I don't get gray hairs lol, that's the last thing I need!

I hope that one day soon I can have a happy post :(

Life goes ON...

Hello Bloggers.... its been a while..

Updates:

~ Graduation happened.... Thank God. I was ready for school to just be done. A lot more people showed up then expected. But showing up doesnt mean it was a good day, there was still drama, and needless to say, I ended up staying another night and letting the fam take my stuff to Cincinnait.

~ Moved home for a couple of months.. It took forever to find a job and when I finally did, it was in a bakery.. If thats not a sign that my stay in Cinci should be short, than I dont know what is. I stayed with my sis, in Walnut Hills, and that was such a great time.. Minus the over dramatic girlfriend, and her very thirsty friend... ugh.. It was hard sleeping on a couch, and literally living out of my suitcase. I didnt realize how much stuff I still had until I saw all of it in the corner of the room, and when I packed it all up at the end of July to put in my aunts basement until further notice..

~I moved to New York.. Yep. Packed up my stuff (well, 2 suitcases worth), bought a plane ticket and left. I woke up at the beginning of July and decided that I was leaving the 31st. no exceptions.. And I did. And it has been quite an experience since I got here. Within the first week I got a job, but not just any normal 9 to 5. I was working as a delivery girl for a catering company. Umm, yeah, harder than I thought, but worth every moment. My boss was French and very hard to understand.. but somehow I managed. After 3 weeks, he fired me because I brought the wrong olives back from the grocery store. So, I was jobless for a couple days and freaking out a little. I walked like 5 miles last wednesday looking for a new job.. Coogans Pub told me to come in Thursday morning to start training.. I wanted a serving job, so I guess its kindof a blessing that he fired me, so I had the opportunity to look for other employment. Christophe (my boss) didnt really appreciate my hard work anyway.. it was time to move on. I also started training a japanese/vegetarian restaurant in my neighborhood so hopefully i start getting good hours there as well.

~I'm in a show!! it's called Plagued and its set in like medieval times and its basically about Cinderella's daughter Dusty and how Prince charming's mother wants Dusty to marry soon so the family line can continue.. of course she opposes!! I'm in the ensemble.. but its cool because its part of NYMF (New York Musical Theatre Festival) Which is a big deal here. I'm working with a lot of tony nominated/ broadway actors and I'm very excited and thankful that I was picked to be a part of it. We have our meet and greet/ first rehearsal on Friday.

~Generally, I'm ok. I've been stressing out a lot about ridiculous thing, most of which are out of my hands. But I think thats just how I am. I overanalyze and I tend to over think a lot of things as well. The bad part about that is, I tend to forget the more important things because I'm freaking out about the unimportant things. My birthday is Sunday, and I'm not very excited.. But I've never been excited about it, or really any holidays. Mainly, because if I get too excited, I'm usually let down. My roommates want to have a housewarming party for our bdays, since Denise's is 2 days away from mine, but they will both have furniture, and I wont, and I kinda want to be a litte more furnished before I invite people over.. I dont know, maybe it doesnt matter.. Mama is in the hospital with pneumonia. I hate it, I wish I could be there with her. But Rehab is going well and she will be home in no time.

A Catered Affair involving African Women.....

Roe Green.... I have a new respect for that name, and the person. This past weekend, the seniors had to sing our showcase for Roe Green at the Porthouse Theatre Preview Party..... But, not one of us is performing there this summer... so its kindof contradictory. Well anyway, Roe lives in a gated golf course community. The houses were GORGEOUS!! They looked exactly how you would picture a house in a gated community would look. The only downfall is they are all the same. Yeah, your neighbor might have a bigger house than you, but I'm sure the layout inside is similar. I was thinking that Roe would live in a huge house, but its really not as big as I thought. In the end, the size didnt matter. The content of her house was breathtaking. I walked in to various african art that she has had sent to her from different countries in Africa. She's been there six times, and she made it very clear to me that there was nothing more beautiful to her than an African Woman. (hmm) I would say that she has more than half a milliion dollars worth of just African Art. There was much, much more art from other places as well, But the woman LOVES Africa the most. Even though the night was stressful, I'm glad I got to talk with her and really get to know her, and form my own opinion about her, and not the Theatre and Dance dept.'s opinion. Personally, I think she is amazing, and I wish I would have gotten to know her better.

Now, the party... WHAT A MESS!!! I dont think I have been so scared to say the wrong thing, or drop a tray, or say the wrong thing... in all of my life. As a part of my showcase class, we had to "help" out with the party by bartending, valeting, and serving. I was a server, and let me tell you, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!! All of the Porthouse patrons are very intimidating, and can be quite rude at times. It's not like I really wanted to be serving them anyway. We were there for the entertainment! I think that what made it so awkward was the fact that I would have to walk up to them and interrupt their conversations to ask if they wanted one of the mini Rubens from my tray. And it wouldnt have been so bad, if they werent so snobby about me asking. And I tried to be really nice and considerate. It amazes me that people can be so uppity. There were some nicer people though. So I tried to gravitate toward them most of the night!

stay tuned..

Wednesday slump......

So... I'm sick. This started Sunday, with nausea, and a very sore throat; turned into chills and an even sorer throat.... so I went to the health center Monday, where they told me I was running a 100.6 fever and then proceeded to strep test and blood test me for mono.... Really? is this really my life? Like seriously, the busiest time of the f-ing semester and I get really sick. My blood test results aren't in yet.. or maybe they are and the health center (being that they are AWFUL) just hasn't called me to give me the good or bad news. I guess I should be grateful that my teachers understand. I felt bad missing class this week, since I've already missed well over the amount I'm allowed to miss in a semester.

Of course I haven't missed work. I'm here now. Dying. But I need the money so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... It's quiet here, so its not like its taxing or anything. Its a bit much for me to be getting up and down to get package for students, but I haven't had too many this evening. I'm so not looking forward to Jimmy Johns tomorrow night. And knowing Jim, I'll ask him if I can leave early and he'll say yes.. but I'll still end up closing. When will the lies stop??

**RANT** Why do people feel the need to stand me up, tell me they will be somewhere I ask them to and not show up, break promises, or not return my phone calls when I need to talk to them? Do I really deserve that? What have I done? I try to be a good friend, and be there when they absolutely need me to be, if someone needs advice I try to give them the most neutral solution possible... But JESU CRISTO!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FOR ONCE JUST DO WHAT THE FUCK THEY TELL ME THEY ARE GOING TO DO?????.. whew... had to get that out.

For the first time in a long time, I listened to India Arie's entire album, Acoustic Soul.. It was such a breath of fresh air. Her voice and the way she feels about music and life and love just make me feel like everything is right in the world. If there is anyone I aspire to be like as an artist, it's her. (and maybe Beyonce.... but that's the lala fierce talking inside of me) I mean the way her voice fits so perfectly over her acoustic guitar gives me chills. Its smooth, yet very sultry, but still innocent. Every song she sings has a message and they are all positive... If you don't know about India, you need to get in. Cuz she's the business.

Roommates are having a party this weekend... And, I just don't want to be there. Thank God I'm working hehe. The last party we had was just too much. Drunk Theatre people in a very confined space can get very melodramatic. People making out with.... ew. Portraits coming up missing. Drunkards throwing up in the bathroom. Like I said, too much but, clearly, that would be happening at any party. And I'm also glad I don't have rehearsal this weekend. Meaning, I can rest ALL DAY Saturday which is what I need to do.

stay tuned.

Is it really April 10th??? Already???

Hello All!!!

Oh my my my has it been a LOONGG time since my last post.. and Soo much has happened. Sorry for being so negligent, but my life..... oh, life..... It's a never ending television drama. Showcase has happened, Ace's move has happened as well as mine (and boy do I have A LOT to say about that), my hair is really growing and its so healthy, and it is officially 5 weeks tomorrow until I graduate... Oh how time flies! So, Let us begin the recap, shall we?

Showcase: hmm... What can I say about showcase??? Going to New York and really being in the city for a week, with no plans, and more than enough time to explore the city and scope out neighborhoods and possible job was a great experience... And I will admit, the actually showcase performance was fun, it was nice to see all the alums and such and it was so exhilarating to perform at the York Theatre. But I cant help but think I should have graduated in December.... Dont get me wrong, I LOVE theatre, but I'm very particular about what musicals I want to be in. My focus nowadays is more on acting. And of course the one musical that I would audition for (The Wiz) was having their open call the day of showcase.. so there was just no way I could have gone. And Dreamgirls is having their open call tomorrow which sucks because I am in OHIO!. And the whole showcase rehearsal experience was awful. As an artist, I think that I should always be prepared, even if my director isn't. But I don't think the group as a whole thinks that way. Many were upset about the fact that we would run the show once and then take notes and go home. I mean, I was upset as well, only because I didn't get to apply the notes immediately after they were given. I realize that Terri (my director) was busy with whatever else was going on in her life. But if this was as important as she said it was in the beginning, I think that we would have taken it a lot more seriously. But when my director shows up late, and then talks about family issues for ten minutes, and THEN we maybe run the show, and leave without running it again, its hard to take her seriously. I had such high expectations for showcase, and especially for the process, and I was severely let down. It changed my perspective about a lot of things and it really opened my eyes to who matters and who doesn't. Needless to say, nothing came of showcase... no callbacks, no calls, no auditions.... nothing. But maybe 350 dollars spent in the city for a week. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't.

The Move: Upon returning from New York, the apartment I was living in with my girlfriend was completely empty, the car packed, and my stuff moved over to my new location. I got back on a Thursday, and we were gone by Saturday. Crazy, huh? At the time, I didn't have a problem with Ace leaving because driving down to Atlanta with her made me feel as though I was leaving as well.. Until Friday came, and I had to come back to Ohio. While in ATL, we got tattoos. I got a star on the left side of my lower stomach and she got one on the right. It was her first tattoo so she was so nervous. It was soo cute. Even though I was sad she moved there, I was really at peace with it, because I love her cousin Mike (who she is staying with) and I really think that he is going to have a really good influence on her, unlike her friends in Ohio, who are just TOO DARK to speak of. My living arrangement on the other hand, is quite stressful.. I moved in with my friends Kelly, Carson, and Denise... and I love them all. But its just too much sometimes. Oh! and did I mention we also have a cat and a dog?? (ponder that for a second) so things are kinda crazy there. Also, some times I don't think they realize that just because I moved in that my schedule changed. I'm still as unavailable as I was before.. I don't think that they really believed me half the time when I would tell them that I had to work, or I had a meeting, or that I was sleeping because I had to work. And that I was just making excuses to not hang out... But witnessing my life first hand, I think they are starting to get it. I am somewhat situated now. I have a few clothes that I don't have a drawer to put them in, so I need to figure that out. But at least I have my things arranged in a way that is "comfortable" for the next 5 weeks.

Hair: I LOVE my hair! I mean, if there is anything that makes me happier than Ace and Ave, its my hair. I feel so unique, and original and I love the way it looks and feels. I cant wait until it grows more and I can start styling it in different ways. I think that going natural is the best thing I could have done. So glad I bought those shears lol! April 15th will mark my 2 month anniversary since I BC'ed and there is so much growth! I say by the end of July, I will have a huge fro and I cant wait! I'm thinking about making my own leave in conditioner. And it might be strictly made of different organic oils. I've learned that my hair responds very well to oil, especially EV olive oil. I think that might be the reason its grown so quickly. Maybe in the near future I'll make a post strictly with pictures so you can see my progress.

Graduation: It couldn't come any sooner... I'm so ready to get out of Kent. So much so, that the car(s) will be packed the Friday night before graduation and right after the ceremony I'm out!! I just cant wait. Not to say that I hate Kent. I appreciate Kent, and all it has taught me. But this chapter is ready to close and I just don't know if I want/need to reopen it, ever again! lol I will miss a lot of people though. But not to the point of sadness. If I'm meant to meet up with them later on in life, then fine. If not, it was nice know them. Now, the scary thing about graduating, is that I'm going back to Cincinnati for a little while before I make my move to New York. And I'm going to need a job... and a well paying one, because I need to make enough money to get me into the city. Irregardless, I'm leaving by the end of August. And if that means I only have 500 in my pocket... whatever, I will make it work.

~~Looking to the Future~~

I have soo much to do! And like 5 weeks to do it! Well, kinda. I need to start figuring out a summer job, do my exit loan counseling, send out graduation announcements, plan various events for organizations that I'm in.... whew! It's a bit much.. But, nothing I cant handle. I'm in a show right now called Ubu Roi and its clearly an absurdest play. I mean, the shit I do in this play is just not something you would see in conventional theatre. But, I love it, and I love my director, and I'm so happy I get to work with most of my friends on this. It's a great ending to college really. The show opens April 30th and is part of Fringe Fest that we have for a week here. But its at the end of the week because it is the Student Theatre Festival piece, which is basically for focal point of Fringe Fest.
I'm thinking about coloring my hair. Nothing permanent. Just a rinse. To see if I like it or not. I want to go a little lighter since its spring. Like a cinnamon brown, or hazelnut. Any ideas? I'll probably do it some time next week. But, I always say I'm going to do something and then I get to busy or I forget. We shall see.

stay tuned.

Be Grateful!!!

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Ladies and Gentlemen..... I have arrived.. Well, maybe not arrived, but I have definitely been dealing with myself in the time I have been away. My stress levels have been through the roof, and more importantly, I have allowed extreme dislike to creep into my spirit. There is someone who has really been an issue for me lately, and although we will NEVER be friends, I have still allowed her to get under my skin. Which really isnt something that I do. So, I have decided that there is no need for me to be angry toward her anymore. If she wants to continue to act in the manner that she does, and if at the end of the day, she still wants to be bitter about whatever it is she is bitter about, I will no longer allow that to tap into my spirit and into my growth!

I wash my hands of it.

As of today, Showcase is 15 days away..... I have headshots Tuesday morning, and I will definitely be posting my headshot from a year ago.. There will be a drastic change between the two. I dont know why, but I'm not nervous about showcase. I know a lot of my peers who are in it with me are, and I can understand why.... But I'm just at a point in my life where I can completely yield to the universe and whatever happens, I will be greatful for.... And no matter what, I will be in NYC by August. I have a performance in Salem,Oh next Sunday with showcase, and we're basically all singing our songs, and doing duets, but we get paid $1,000 to go toward the cost of showcase. And so far, I think we've raised quite a bit of dinero.

The day after I basically had my "blogger breakdown", I cut all my hair off. For the last 7 months I've been transitioning to go natural, and I'm so happy I bought those shears. It was time. I needed this kind of change. And when I think about it, I'm in a really good place in my life. A year ago, I would have cried for weeks if I had to cut all my hair off, but I was ready for it this time. I'm still very new and I watch every hair journey, I look at every hairblog, youtube video, forum, fotki.... you name it, I've probably come across it. I've never been big on my hair because I've never really had to do it. But now, its all about me... and I want to make sure I do it right. So far, I'm happy with the results.

In Academic News, I've had 2 out of the 3 dance midterms of my last semester. And I got an A- on my ballet, and I'm thinking a strong B on my jazz.. My teacher said that if she needed to meet with anyone about their progess in the class that she would email them... Havent received the email yet, so I'm thinking that maybe I did ok.

Unnecessary Stress: Like I said in the beginning, I've really been stressing out a lot in the last month, be especially in the last 2 weeks. Showcase is coming up, and really the only stress I have with that is financial (Which I stress about constantly... Money is so trivial, yet I'm afraid to be without it **must break myself of this**) The graduation fair is next weekend, and I'm not nervous because no matter what, I will be graduating, its just the thought of the fair and making sure everything is in order. My girlfriend is moving, and so I'm moving in with my friends until the end of the semester, and moving and seeing her go are the worst things ever right now!! It's going to be hard to be here without her, but I'm going to have to deal.. I work 3 jobs; 2 out of the 3 I like, but Jimmy Johns..... THE JOB FROM HELL!!! It's not that I dont like the place, and I do enjoy some of the people that I work with, but there are others that I could STRONGLY do without.. and There are so many rules that I keep finding out about... I've worked there since last August. And recently, they've made labor cuts, so I work alone on a Sundays instead of with my favorite JJ employee... which is going to suck. Especially if I get stuck with a PIC (Person In Charge... corny isnt it?) that I dont like, since they rotate on Sundays. Part of my wishes I could quit that job, but I just cant afford to right now. And no one else is hiring. I've seriously put in like 4 applications to Starbucks, and the minute they call me, I would put in my 1 week notice... Thats right 1.... they dont get a 2 week. :)

AND FOR MY #1 STRESS: (I'm sure you've guessed it)....... Money....dinero......mulah.......argent......geld.....dinheiro....denaro. Ugh!!! WHY!!! I realize we are in a recession, and that most people are worrying about this very thing. But my issue is my pride... ( yeah, I know pride cometh before the fall... save it for someone who cares!) I would love to ask my family for money, but for some reason, I feel like they keep a tally for everything I ask for because every now and then, something will slip out about how they gave me this and how I only call when I need money. Yet, when I dont ask for something, they get upset with me because I should have asked them for help. It's very weird.. So, I struggle, and I try to make ends meet. And I'm convinced that if I wasnt in school with a full time course load, I would be fine... but even though I have 3 jobs, I'm really only working 30 hours a week, if that, between the 3. I know that my grandma wants to help me, but her situation is such a mess that honestly she cant. And although I would love to take the money when she offers it to me, I wont, because I dont want her to dip into the little money that she does have. My mom will never help, end of story. Aunt Jacquie.... oh, Aunt Jacquie... She's help tremendously, but it wasnt until two summers ago that she began to notice her dear niece. My mom had a massive heart attack and now suffers from heart failure and I was working 2 jobs back home for the summer... with no car to get me back and forth,, so auntie let me use her car. and for the last year in a half, if I have needed anything she has helped the best way she can. But sometimes I dont know how to accept her help. I mean, for a VERY long time there was no one there to help. But I dont think she gets that. So when she asks me if I need money and I say no, when really I mean yes, its because I cant tell if her intentions are good. I have trust issues when it comes to my family, because I cant tell one person something without the ENTIRE family finding out. Mind you, my grandma has 7 children. So, I dont tell them anything. Sucks right? I'm so alone...
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Solution: Although I have a long laundry list of stresses, I'm going to find it in myself to still be grateful... for everything. I really havent smiled a lot lately, but I'm going to try with everything in me to smile everyday. I went on youtube today and B Scott had a video about being grateful for what you have, and it really inspired me! Despite my situation and despite my monetary issues, I am still very blessed, and for the last 2 weeks, I had forgotten that everything will work out! I think because there has been so much disappointment and abrupt change in the last month, that my spirit and my will power had weakened. But I will not be broken!! If there is anytime that I need to be strong it is right now! I'm done weeping, and I'm done being a Debbie Downer. For the first time in a REALLY LOOONG time, last night, I went out with my friends to the bars. And I needed that. Sometimes just the company of friends and people who love you is therapy.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, stay encouraged. You are beautiful, and when you think that everything in your life is pulling you in different directions, take a moment with yourself, and reflect on all the good and positive things in your life! Meditate, watch a funny movie, connect with friends. But dont mope around and dont let circumstance keep you from greatness. God has given everyone patience and humility... so unlock those qualities inside of you, and keep it movin!! More importantly, be grateful, not because somewhere someone else has it much worse, but because where you are in life, is where you are suppose to be, and if you are at the bottom, your only option is to come up!

**Below is the video link for the B. Scott Video: "Be Grateful for What You Have!"**

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAo_ya-adkc

~La'~