You were always on my mind..

I miss you so much, or maybe I just miss the idea of what we were. I stepped out of your life so that you could do your thing, live your life and move on. We were not meant to be and you know that. But I loved/love you so much. All I have to say is that this is my burden to carry, I loved you enough to let you go.

And you still haunt my life, my dreams, my heart...

Who knew that would be our last Hug..

Hair auditions tomorrow... I have to be up in 4 hours... haha yeah right..

I would love to be seeing the world right now.

Wishful thinking.

January, and its raining in the city..

Often times, I think my mood is greatly affected by the weather outside. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've always spent the winter in silence, not really doing anything. And spring, summer and fall are so vibrant, and I'm always outside experiencing the world.

But New York is different. The air is different, the streets, the water. Everything is so different at home. But I love it here. There is a freedom, and an urgency for art here, so thick that it pulls you in and makes you want more of this thing we call Theatre. I wouldn't change this for anything.

Of course, other things have changed. I got a new job. So much better than where I was working. I've become a lot more settled with the city. It's taken a lot to get used to this. There is a completely different atmosphere than any place I've ever been to.

My new year's resolutions are coming along. Slowly, but surely. I finally got my library card, and I'm going to start checking out the MGM musical movies. I'm excited, I have SO much to watch! So many actors to learn about, I feel so behind! The other resolution has been so far so good. I could have been tempted today, but surprisingly it was cancelled.. hmm, thats strange.

Its very hard to hear the rain here. In Ohio, All I had to do was look out the window and I could hear the pitter patter of the rain against the sidewalk. And the faint but very distinguished sound of the rain falling from the sky. Background noise can be quite intense at times. I long to hear the rainfall if even for a moment.

Just a series of thoughts...

until

Making the list, but not checking for errors...

things I've learned while living in New York;

- you can not make a right turn on red... not ever.

- You can find a job, it may not be the one you want, but there is always one here.

- Your boss does not care about you, no matter what you think, you can and WILL be replaced without warning, without notice, and possibly without pay...

- no one says good morning, except maybe your doorman.. or your pet.

- What your view of New York is, whatever it may be, is probably right, but of course with regulations.

- Every neighborhood is completely different. I live on what I consider the edge of Washington height.. When I cross a certain street, everything changes. The people are no longer Hispanic and are now Jewish.. within seconds.

- Jay-Z is right, Half of us wont make it... I've already seen that happen.

- Only the strong survive here. Believe me, its very hard. For some, that is.

- The people that I thought I would be hanging out with, I haven't even seen yet... I've been here 5 months.. Which lead me to believe that making new friends is a must.. but very difficult.

- Your apartment must be your sanctuary. You MUST cherish it.. It is the only thing that separates you from the madness.

- If you want to be seen, you must put yourself out there. No one really gives you a handout here. Make your own way.

- The best way to learn this city, is to get lost in it.

- Sometimes your kindness and charm doesn't go unnoticed, but most of the time it does.. Still, one must not forget what those things are.

- There is just too much stuff here..

- Times square is absolutely insane... especially around the holidays.

-unfortunately, if you don't know someone with a truck, you must use the subways to move things...and that is not fun at all.

- You must take time to walk around.. even if there is no purpose behind it. Look at the buildings, the architecture, the parks, the trees (when there are any), the river... Its breathtaking.

- Amongst the rubbish, there are a few genuine people. You just have to have a trained eye to see who they are.

until.

The Re-vamp... Also known as a COMEBACK.. bam.

So... after two months of depression and self-loathing, I have decided to re-vamp my blog and change my WHOLE entire outlook on life- beginning with my own.. So, get ready for fashion, drama, theatre, reviews, MAKEUP!! and Any and every other topic I decide to discuss..

At this point, either you're on the bus, or you're off the bus...

Boomkack.

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart...

Even if you were a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even in the bottom of the sea

I can still hear inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart

Well you can try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound

Why don't you hold me, need me, I thought you told me

You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face

And i knew right where I'd fit in

Take me, make me

You know that I'll always be in love with you

Right til the end

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start

It's bout fall apart

So rather than hold onto a broken dream

Or just hold onto love

And I could find a way to make it

Don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Blame it on the Alcohol! (yeah, whatev)

oh My... What a week! First and foremost, TGIF! Secondly, how my life has drastically changed in just one week..

As of Monday, I am single. Wow, I haven't said that in a really long time. And Why you might be asking yourself (or not lol)? Not by choice, but by infidelity. I did not ask for this behavior to occur, but honestly, I should have seen it coming. The phone calls were becoming less and less, there were more events filling her time with lots less time to talk to me, and somehow, I didn't talk to her for entire weekends... Now, how does that work? Also, her track record really isn't that great in the faithful department, so I really shouldn't be so upset.

But, I am.... I was very hurt, and I felt betrayed at first. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I felt like my heart had been stabbed by fifty different knives, and that I would never get through this. Well, that turned into anger because I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be cheated on, even if it was a mistake. I know how mean I can get when I feel betrayed, so I decided that it was best that we be friends because I wouldn't be able to just talk on the phone anymore, since that's really our only source of communication (well, was our only source). But Now, lol, now I'm cool. I still love Ace very much, but I have to live my life. And I cant allow these silly antics to cloud my vision and my purpose in life. Yeah, its OK to be sad for a night, but joy, and oh what joy, comes in the morning PEOPLE... I do want us to be together, and like she said, we will probably end up together. And I really wasn't feeling her when she said that. It seemed a bit cocky to me. But honestly, I do think she is my soul mate, and if we don't spend our lives together, I know we will still be great friends.

Rehearsal is fabulous. Brenda really let loose and sang today and was really getting into her role as queen and she is the ULTIMATE diva. I should be taking notes lol. We did a rough run through of the first act, and I think its going to be really good. I cant believe that I'm working with such great people on my first show in NY. I'm truly blessed and I don't take anything for granted, because it can be taken away in the blink of an eye...