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Ladies and Gentlemen..... I have arrived.. Well, maybe not arrived, but I have definitely been dealing with myself in the time I have been away. My stress levels have been through the roof, and more importantly, I have allowed extreme dislike to creep into my spirit. There is someone who has really been an issue for me lately, and although we will NEVER be friends, I have still allowed her to get under my skin. Which really isnt something that I do. So, I have decided that there is no need for me to be angry toward her anymore. If she wants to continue to act in the manner that she does, and if at the end of the day, she still wants to be bitter about whatever it is she is bitter about, I will no longer allow that to tap into my spirit and into my growth!
I wash my hands of it.
As of today, Showcase is 15 days away..... I have headshots Tuesday morning, and I will definitely be posting my headshot from a year ago.. There will be a drastic change between the two. I dont know why, but I'm not nervous about showcase. I know a lot of my peers who are in it with me are, and I can understand why.... But I'm just at a point in my life where I can completely yield to the universe and whatever happens, I will be greatful for.... And no matter what, I will be in NYC by August. I have a performance in Salem,Oh next Sunday with showcase, and we're basically all singing our songs, and doing duets, but we get paid $1,000 to go toward the cost of showcase. And so far, I think we've raised quite a bit of dinero.
The day after I basically had my "blogger breakdown", I cut all my hair off. For the last 7 months I've been transitioning to go natural, and I'm so happy I bought those shears. It was time. I needed this kind of change. And when I think about it, I'm in a really good place in my life. A year ago, I would have cried for weeks if I had to cut all my hair off, but I was ready for it this time. I'm still very new and I watch every hair journey, I look at every hairblog, youtube video, forum, fotki.... you name it, I've probably come across it. I've never been big on my hair because I've never really had to do it. But now, its all about me... and I want to make sure I do it right. So far, I'm happy with the results.
In Academic News, I've had 2 out of the 3 dance midterms of my last semester. And I got an A- on my ballet, and I'm thinking a strong B on my jazz.. My teacher said that if she needed to meet with anyone about their progess in the class that she would email them... Havent received the email yet, so I'm thinking that maybe I did ok.
Unnecessary Stress: Like I said in the beginning, I've really been stressing out a lot in the last month, be especially in the last 2 weeks. Showcase is coming up, and really the only stress I have with that is financial (Which I stress about constantly... Money is so trivial, yet I'm afraid to be without it **must break myself of this**) The graduation fair is next weekend, and I'm not nervous because no matter what, I will be graduating, its just the thought of the fair and making sure everything is in order. My girlfriend is moving, and so I'm moving in with my friends until the end of the semester, and moving and seeing her go are the worst things ever right now!! It's going to be hard to be here without her, but I'm going to have to deal.. I work 3 jobs; 2 out of the 3 I like, but Jimmy Johns..... THE JOB FROM HELL!!! It's not that I dont like the place, and I do enjoy some of the people that I work with, but there are others that I could STRONGLY do without.. and There are so many rules that I keep finding out about... I've worked there since last August. And recently, they've made labor cuts, so I work alone on a Sundays instead of with my favorite JJ employee... which is going to suck. Especially if I get stuck with a PIC (Person In Charge... corny isnt it?) that I dont like, since they rotate on Sundays. Part of my wishes I could quit that job, but I just cant afford to right now. And no one else is hiring. I've seriously put in like 4 applications to Starbucks, and the minute they call me, I would put in my 1 week notice... Thats right 1.... they dont get a 2 week. :)
AND FOR MY #1 STRESS: (I'm sure you've guessed it)....... Money....dinero......mulah.......argent......geld.....dinheiro....denaro. Ugh!!! WHY!!! I realize we are in a recession, and that most people are worrying about this very thing. But my issue is my pride... ( yeah, I know pride cometh before the fall... save it for someone who cares!) I would love to ask my family for money, but for some reason, I feel like they keep a tally for everything I ask for because every now and then, something will slip out about how they gave me this and how I only call when I need money. Yet, when I dont ask for something, they get upset with me because I should have asked them for help. It's very weird.. So, I struggle, and I try to make ends meet. And I'm convinced that if I wasnt in school with a full time course load, I would be fine... but even though I have 3 jobs, I'm really only working 30 hours a week, if that, between the 3. I know that my grandma wants to help me, but her situation is such a mess that honestly she cant. And although I would love to take the money when she offers it to me, I wont, because I dont want her to dip into the little money that she does have. My mom will never help, end of story. Aunt Jacquie.... oh, Aunt Jacquie... She's help tremendously, but it wasnt until two summers ago that she began to notice her dear niece. My mom had a massive heart attack and now suffers from heart failure and I was working 2 jobs back home for the summer... with no car to get me back and forth,, so auntie let me use her car. and for the last year in a half, if I have needed anything she has helped the best way she can. But sometimes I dont know how to accept her help. I mean, for a VERY long time there was no one there to help. But I dont think she gets that. So when she asks me if I need money and I say no, when really I mean yes, its because I cant tell if her intentions are good. I have trust issues when it comes to my family, because I cant tell one person something without the ENTIRE family finding out. Mind you, my grandma has 7 children. So, I dont tell them anything. Sucks right? I'm so alone...
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Solution: Although I have a long laundry list of stresses, I'm going to find it in myself to still be grateful... for everything. I really havent smiled a lot lately, but I'm going to try with everything in me to smile everyday. I went on youtube today and B Scott had a video about being grateful for what you have, and it really inspired me! Despite my situation and despite my monetary issues, I am still very blessed, and for the last 2 weeks, I had forgotten that everything will work out! I think because there has been so much disappointment and abrupt change in the last month, that my spirit and my will power had weakened. But I will not be broken!! If there is anytime that I need to be strong it is right now! I'm done weeping, and I'm done being a Debbie Downer. For the first time in a REALLY LOOONG time, last night, I went out with my friends to the bars. And I needed that. Sometimes just the company of friends and people who love you is therapy.
So Ladies and Gentlemen, stay encouraged. You are beautiful, and when you think that everything in your life is pulling you in different directions, take a moment with yourself, and reflect on all the good and positive things in your life! Meditate, watch a funny movie, connect with friends. But dont mope around and dont let circumstance keep you from greatness. God has given everyone patience and humility... so unlock those qualities inside of you, and keep it movin!! More importantly, be grateful, not because somewhere someone else has it much worse, but because where you are in life, is where you are suppose to be, and if you are at the bottom, your only option is to come up! **Below is the video link for the B. Scott Video: "Be Grateful for What You Have!"**
~La'~
