Making the list, but not checking for errors...

things I've learned while living in New York;

- you can not make a right turn on red... not ever.

- You can find a job, it may not be the one you want, but there is always one here.

- Your boss does not care about you, no matter what you think, you can and WILL be replaced without warning, without notice, and possibly without pay...

- no one says good morning, except maybe your doorman.. or your pet.

- What your view of New York is, whatever it may be, is probably right, but of course with regulations.

- Every neighborhood is completely different. I live on what I consider the edge of Washington height.. When I cross a certain street, everything changes. The people are no longer Hispanic and are now Jewish.. within seconds.

- Jay-Z is right, Half of us wont make it... I've already seen that happen.

- Only the strong survive here. Believe me, its very hard. For some, that is.

- The people that I thought I would be hanging out with, I haven't even seen yet... I've been here 5 months.. Which lead me to believe that making new friends is a must.. but very difficult.

- Your apartment must be your sanctuary. You MUST cherish it.. It is the only thing that separates you from the madness.

- If you want to be seen, you must put yourself out there. No one really gives you a handout here. Make your own way.

- The best way to learn this city, is to get lost in it.

- Sometimes your kindness and charm doesn't go unnoticed, but most of the time it does.. Still, one must not forget what those things are.

- There is just too much stuff here..

- Times square is absolutely insane... especially around the holidays.

-unfortunately, if you don't know someone with a truck, you must use the subways to move things...and that is not fun at all.

- You must take time to walk around.. even if there is no purpose behind it. Look at the buildings, the architecture, the parks, the trees (when there are any), the river... Its breathtaking.

- Amongst the rubbish, there are a few genuine people. You just have to have a trained eye to see who they are.

until.

The Re-vamp... Also known as a COMEBACK.. bam.

So... after two months of depression and self-loathing, I have decided to re-vamp my blog and change my WHOLE entire outlook on life- beginning with my own.. So, get ready for fashion, drama, theatre, reviews, MAKEUP!! and Any and every other topic I decide to discuss..

At this point, either you're on the bus, or you're off the bus...

Boomkack.

Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart...

Even if you were a million miles away

I could still feel you in my bed

Near me, touch me, feel me

And even in the bottom of the sea

I can still hear inside my head

Telling me, touch me, feel me

And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart

Well you can try sleeping in my bed

Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound

Why don't you hold me, need me, I thought you told me

You'd never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face

And i knew right where I'd fit in

Take me, make me

You know that I'll always be in love with you

Right til the end

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start

It's bout fall apart

So rather than hold onto a broken dream

Or just hold onto love

And I could find a way to make it

Don't hold on too tight

I'll make it without you tonight

So tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

I'm gonna hold onto the times that we had

Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you

Blame it on the Alcohol! (yeah, whatev)

oh My... What a week! First and foremost, TGIF! Secondly, how my life has drastically changed in just one week..

As of Monday, I am single. Wow, I haven't said that in a really long time. And Why you might be asking yourself (or not lol)? Not by choice, but by infidelity. I did not ask for this behavior to occur, but honestly, I should have seen it coming. The phone calls were becoming less and less, there were more events filling her time with lots less time to talk to me, and somehow, I didn't talk to her for entire weekends... Now, how does that work? Also, her track record really isn't that great in the faithful department, so I really shouldn't be so upset.

But, I am.... I was very hurt, and I felt betrayed at first. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I felt like my heart had been stabbed by fifty different knives, and that I would never get through this. Well, that turned into anger because I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be cheated on, even if it was a mistake. I know how mean I can get when I feel betrayed, so I decided that it was best that we be friends because I wouldn't be able to just talk on the phone anymore, since that's really our only source of communication (well, was our only source). But Now, lol, now I'm cool. I still love Ace very much, but I have to live my life. And I cant allow these silly antics to cloud my vision and my purpose in life. Yeah, its OK to be sad for a night, but joy, and oh what joy, comes in the morning PEOPLE... I do want us to be together, and like she said, we will probably end up together. And I really wasn't feeling her when she said that. It seemed a bit cocky to me. But honestly, I do think she is my soul mate, and if we don't spend our lives together, I know we will still be great friends.

Rehearsal is fabulous. Brenda really let loose and sang today and was really getting into her role as queen and she is the ULTIMATE diva. I should be taking notes lol. We did a rough run through of the first act, and I think its going to be really good. I cant believe that I'm working with such great people on my first show in NY. I'm truly blessed and I don't take anything for granted, because it can be taken away in the blink of an eye...

It Doesnt Mean Anything..

Do you ever feel like your life has been somewhat of a dream, or nightmare, that you just cant wake up from? Or that sometimes you feel like a stranger to yourself, watching yourself spiral out of control, yet no one else can see it? Once again, as always, I'm in a weird place in life. I don't know which way is up, and which is down. I cant think about anything clearly, because I'm thinking about everything at one time.

While watching Bridget Jones's Diary last night, one line stuck out the most; "Why is it that when something is actually going right in your life, something else falls completely apart and leaves you in shambles?" I wish I knew the answer to that. I find myself constantly battling to keep everything going right. And it never does.

Why is this my life? Personally, I think that I'm a nice person. I do for others when I can, I make MANY sacrifices for the good or betterment of the situation, I'm faithful, I'm a loyal friend, I try to be a good family member, I keep a smile on my face, when really I'm hurting beyond belief. All in vain. Everything feels like its in vain.

Mama is still at Evergreen. I called my mom last night, and before I could even say how are you, she asked me for money... And her excuse for asking? Her birthday is next week and she wants to be able to do something... I don't even want to discuss my pathetic birthday.. Aunt Jacquie called me the other night, which is very surprising because I haven't talked to her in weeks. I'm wondering if Selina called her and gave her the news.. Its was a pretty unexpected call.

I think that at some point in my life, I will need to see a therapist. I seem to be losing any type of emotion, or passion that I have for the things that I love. This has been happening for a while though, but recent events have just made me really not want to do anything anymore. I just want to work, finish this show I'm in, and just work some more.. I don't really want to audition for anything, I don't want to sing for anyone. I just want to be. I haven't been able to eat recently. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I think it might be due to stress. I just hope I don't get gray hairs lol, that's the last thing I need!

I hope that one day soon I can have a happy post :(

Life goes ON...

Hello Bloggers.... its been a while..

Updates:

~ Graduation happened.... Thank God. I was ready for school to just be done. A lot more people showed up then expected. But showing up doesnt mean it was a good day, there was still drama, and needless to say, I ended up staying another night and letting the fam take my stuff to Cincinnait.

~ Moved home for a couple of months.. It took forever to find a job and when I finally did, it was in a bakery.. If thats not a sign that my stay in Cinci should be short, than I dont know what is. I stayed with my sis, in Walnut Hills, and that was such a great time.. Minus the over dramatic girlfriend, and her very thirsty friend... ugh.. It was hard sleeping on a couch, and literally living out of my suitcase. I didnt realize how much stuff I still had until I saw all of it in the corner of the room, and when I packed it all up at the end of July to put in my aunts basement until further notice..

~I moved to New York.. Yep. Packed up my stuff (well, 2 suitcases worth), bought a plane ticket and left. I woke up at the beginning of July and decided that I was leaving the 31st. no exceptions.. And I did. And it has been quite an experience since I got here. Within the first week I got a job, but not just any normal 9 to 5. I was working as a delivery girl for a catering company. Umm, yeah, harder than I thought, but worth every moment. My boss was French and very hard to understand.. but somehow I managed. After 3 weeks, he fired me because I brought the wrong olives back from the grocery store. So, I was jobless for a couple days and freaking out a little. I walked like 5 miles last wednesday looking for a new job.. Coogans Pub told me to come in Thursday morning to start training.. I wanted a serving job, so I guess its kindof a blessing that he fired me, so I had the opportunity to look for other employment. Christophe (my boss) didnt really appreciate my hard work anyway.. it was time to move on. I also started training a japanese/vegetarian restaurant in my neighborhood so hopefully i start getting good hours there as well.

~I'm in a show!! it's called Plagued and its set in like medieval times and its basically about Cinderella's daughter Dusty and how Prince charming's mother wants Dusty to marry soon so the family line can continue.. of course she opposes!! I'm in the ensemble.. but its cool because its part of NYMF (New York Musical Theatre Festival) Which is a big deal here. I'm working with a lot of tony nominated/ broadway actors and I'm very excited and thankful that I was picked to be a part of it. We have our meet and greet/ first rehearsal on Friday.

~Generally, I'm ok. I've been stressing out a lot about ridiculous thing, most of which are out of my hands. But I think thats just how I am. I overanalyze and I tend to over think a lot of things as well. The bad part about that is, I tend to forget the more important things because I'm freaking out about the unimportant things. My birthday is Sunday, and I'm not very excited.. But I've never been excited about it, or really any holidays. Mainly, because if I get too excited, I'm usually let down. My roommates want to have a housewarming party for our bdays, since Denise's is 2 days away from mine, but they will both have furniture, and I wont, and I kinda want to be a litte more furnished before I invite people over.. I dont know, maybe it doesnt matter.. Mama is in the hospital with pneumonia. I hate it, I wish I could be there with her. But Rehab is going well and she will be home in no time.

A Catered Affair involving African Women.....

Roe Green.... I have a new respect for that name, and the person. This past weekend, the seniors had to sing our showcase for Roe Green at the Porthouse Theatre Preview Party..... But, not one of us is performing there this summer... so its kindof contradictory. Well anyway, Roe lives in a gated golf course community. The houses were GORGEOUS!! They looked exactly how you would picture a house in a gated community would look. The only downfall is they are all the same. Yeah, your neighbor might have a bigger house than you, but I'm sure the layout inside is similar. I was thinking that Roe would live in a huge house, but its really not as big as I thought. In the end, the size didnt matter. The content of her house was breathtaking. I walked in to various african art that she has had sent to her from different countries in Africa. She's been there six times, and she made it very clear to me that there was nothing more beautiful to her than an African Woman. (hmm) I would say that she has more than half a milliion dollars worth of just African Art. There was much, much more art from other places as well, But the woman LOVES Africa the most. Even though the night was stressful, I'm glad I got to talk with her and really get to know her, and form my own opinion about her, and not the Theatre and Dance dept.'s opinion. Personally, I think she is amazing, and I wish I would have gotten to know her better.

Now, the party... WHAT A MESS!!! I dont think I have been so scared to say the wrong thing, or drop a tray, or say the wrong thing... in all of my life. As a part of my showcase class, we had to "help" out with the party by bartending, valeting, and serving. I was a server, and let me tell you, WHAT AN EXPERIENCE!! All of the Porthouse patrons are very intimidating, and can be quite rude at times. It's not like I really wanted to be serving them anyway. We were there for the entertainment! I think that what made it so awkward was the fact that I would have to walk up to them and interrupt their conversations to ask if they wanted one of the mini Rubens from my tray. And it wouldnt have been so bad, if they werent so snobby about me asking. And I tried to be really nice and considerate. It amazes me that people can be so uppity. There were some nicer people though. So I tried to gravitate toward them most of the night!

stay tuned..

Wednesday slump......

So... I'm sick. This started Sunday, with nausea, and a very sore throat; turned into chills and an even sorer throat.... so I went to the health center Monday, where they told me I was running a 100.6 fever and then proceeded to strep test and blood test me for mono.... Really? is this really my life? Like seriously, the busiest time of the f-ing semester and I get really sick. My blood test results aren't in yet.. or maybe they are and the health center (being that they are AWFUL) just hasn't called me to give me the good or bad news. I guess I should be grateful that my teachers understand. I felt bad missing class this week, since I've already missed well over the amount I'm allowed to miss in a semester.

Of course I haven't missed work. I'm here now. Dying. But I need the money so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do... It's quiet here, so its not like its taxing or anything. Its a bit much for me to be getting up and down to get package for students, but I haven't had too many this evening. I'm so not looking forward to Jimmy Johns tomorrow night. And knowing Jim, I'll ask him if I can leave early and he'll say yes.. but I'll still end up closing. When will the lies stop??

**RANT** Why do people feel the need to stand me up, tell me they will be somewhere I ask them to and not show up, break promises, or not return my phone calls when I need to talk to them? Do I really deserve that? What have I done? I try to be a good friend, and be there when they absolutely need me to be, if someone needs advice I try to give them the most neutral solution possible... But JESU CRISTO!! CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FOR ONCE JUST DO WHAT THE FUCK THEY TELL ME THEY ARE GOING TO DO?????.. whew... had to get that out.

For the first time in a long time, I listened to India Arie's entire album, Acoustic Soul.. It was such a breath of fresh air. Her voice and the way she feels about music and life and love just make me feel like everything is right in the world. If there is anyone I aspire to be like as an artist, it's her. (and maybe Beyonce.... but that's the lala fierce talking inside of me) I mean the way her voice fits so perfectly over her acoustic guitar gives me chills. Its smooth, yet very sultry, but still innocent. Every song she sings has a message and they are all positive... If you don't know about India, you need to get in. Cuz she's the business.

Roommates are having a party this weekend... And, I just don't want to be there. Thank God I'm working hehe. The last party we had was just too much. Drunk Theatre people in a very confined space can get very melodramatic. People making out with.... ew. Portraits coming up missing. Drunkards throwing up in the bathroom. Like I said, too much but, clearly, that would be happening at any party. And I'm also glad I don't have rehearsal this weekend. Meaning, I can rest ALL DAY Saturday which is what I need to do.

stay tuned.

Is it really April 10th??? Already???

Hello All!!!

Oh my my my has it been a LOONGG time since my last post.. and Soo much has happened. Sorry for being so negligent, but my life..... oh, life..... It's a never ending television drama. Showcase has happened, Ace's move has happened as well as mine (and boy do I have A LOT to say about that), my hair is really growing and its so healthy, and it is officially 5 weeks tomorrow until I graduate... Oh how time flies! So, Let us begin the recap, shall we?

Showcase: hmm... What can I say about showcase??? Going to New York and really being in the city for a week, with no plans, and more than enough time to explore the city and scope out neighborhoods and possible job was a great experience... And I will admit, the actually showcase performance was fun, it was nice to see all the alums and such and it was so exhilarating to perform at the York Theatre. But I cant help but think I should have graduated in December.... Dont get me wrong, I LOVE theatre, but I'm very particular about what musicals I want to be in. My focus nowadays is more on acting. And of course the one musical that I would audition for (The Wiz) was having their open call the day of showcase.. so there was just no way I could have gone. And Dreamgirls is having their open call tomorrow which sucks because I am in OHIO!. And the whole showcase rehearsal experience was awful. As an artist, I think that I should always be prepared, even if my director isn't. But I don't think the group as a whole thinks that way. Many were upset about the fact that we would run the show once and then take notes and go home. I mean, I was upset as well, only because I didn't get to apply the notes immediately after they were given. I realize that Terri (my director) was busy with whatever else was going on in her life. But if this was as important as she said it was in the beginning, I think that we would have taken it a lot more seriously. But when my director shows up late, and then talks about family issues for ten minutes, and THEN we maybe run the show, and leave without running it again, its hard to take her seriously. I had such high expectations for showcase, and especially for the process, and I was severely let down. It changed my perspective about a lot of things and it really opened my eyes to who matters and who doesn't. Needless to say, nothing came of showcase... no callbacks, no calls, no auditions.... nothing. But maybe 350 dollars spent in the city for a week. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't.

The Move: Upon returning from New York, the apartment I was living in with my girlfriend was completely empty, the car packed, and my stuff moved over to my new location. I got back on a Thursday, and we were gone by Saturday. Crazy, huh? At the time, I didn't have a problem with Ace leaving because driving down to Atlanta with her made me feel as though I was leaving as well.. Until Friday came, and I had to come back to Ohio. While in ATL, we got tattoos. I got a star on the left side of my lower stomach and she got one on the right. It was her first tattoo so she was so nervous. It was soo cute. Even though I was sad she moved there, I was really at peace with it, because I love her cousin Mike (who she is staying with) and I really think that he is going to have a really good influence on her, unlike her friends in Ohio, who are just TOO DARK to speak of. My living arrangement on the other hand, is quite stressful.. I moved in with my friends Kelly, Carson, and Denise... and I love them all. But its just too much sometimes. Oh! and did I mention we also have a cat and a dog?? (ponder that for a second) so things are kinda crazy there. Also, some times I don't think they realize that just because I moved in that my schedule changed. I'm still as unavailable as I was before.. I don't think that they really believed me half the time when I would tell them that I had to work, or I had a meeting, or that I was sleeping because I had to work. And that I was just making excuses to not hang out... But witnessing my life first hand, I think they are starting to get it. I am somewhat situated now. I have a few clothes that I don't have a drawer to put them in, so I need to figure that out. But at least I have my things arranged in a way that is "comfortable" for the next 5 weeks.

Hair: I LOVE my hair! I mean, if there is anything that makes me happier than Ace and Ave, its my hair. I feel so unique, and original and I love the way it looks and feels. I cant wait until it grows more and I can start styling it in different ways. I think that going natural is the best thing I could have done. So glad I bought those shears lol! April 15th will mark my 2 month anniversary since I BC'ed and there is so much growth! I say by the end of July, I will have a huge fro and I cant wait! I'm thinking about making my own leave in conditioner. And it might be strictly made of different organic oils. I've learned that my hair responds very well to oil, especially EV olive oil. I think that might be the reason its grown so quickly. Maybe in the near future I'll make a post strictly with pictures so you can see my progress.

Graduation: It couldn't come any sooner... I'm so ready to get out of Kent. So much so, that the car(s) will be packed the Friday night before graduation and right after the ceremony I'm out!! I just cant wait. Not to say that I hate Kent. I appreciate Kent, and all it has taught me. But this chapter is ready to close and I just don't know if I want/need to reopen it, ever again! lol I will miss a lot of people though. But not to the point of sadness. If I'm meant to meet up with them later on in life, then fine. If not, it was nice know them. Now, the scary thing about graduating, is that I'm going back to Cincinnati for a little while before I make my move to New York. And I'm going to need a job... and a well paying one, because I need to make enough money to get me into the city. Irregardless, I'm leaving by the end of August. And if that means I only have 500 in my pocket... whatever, I will make it work.

~~Looking to the Future~~

I have soo much to do! And like 5 weeks to do it! Well, kinda. I need to start figuring out a summer job, do my exit loan counseling, send out graduation announcements, plan various events for organizations that I'm in.... whew! It's a bit much.. But, nothing I cant handle. I'm in a show right now called Ubu Roi and its clearly an absurdest play. I mean, the shit I do in this play is just not something you would see in conventional theatre. But, I love it, and I love my director, and I'm so happy I get to work with most of my friends on this. It's a great ending to college really. The show opens April 30th and is part of Fringe Fest that we have for a week here. But its at the end of the week because it is the Student Theatre Festival piece, which is basically for focal point of Fringe Fest.
I'm thinking about coloring my hair. Nothing permanent. Just a rinse. To see if I like it or not. I want to go a little lighter since its spring. Like a cinnamon brown, or hazelnut. Any ideas? I'll probably do it some time next week. But, I always say I'm going to do something and then I get to busy or I forget. We shall see.

stay tuned.

Be Grateful!!!

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Ladies and Gentlemen..... I have arrived.. Well, maybe not arrived, but I have definitely been dealing with myself in the time I have been away. My stress levels have been through the roof, and more importantly, I have allowed extreme dislike to creep into my spirit. There is someone who has really been an issue for me lately, and although we will NEVER be friends, I have still allowed her to get under my skin. Which really isnt something that I do. So, I have decided that there is no need for me to be angry toward her anymore. If she wants to continue to act in the manner that she does, and if at the end of the day, she still wants to be bitter about whatever it is she is bitter about, I will no longer allow that to tap into my spirit and into my growth!

I wash my hands of it.

As of today, Showcase is 15 days away..... I have headshots Tuesday morning, and I will definitely be posting my headshot from a year ago.. There will be a drastic change between the two. I dont know why, but I'm not nervous about showcase. I know a lot of my peers who are in it with me are, and I can understand why.... But I'm just at a point in my life where I can completely yield to the universe and whatever happens, I will be greatful for.... And no matter what, I will be in NYC by August. I have a performance in Salem,Oh next Sunday with showcase, and we're basically all singing our songs, and doing duets, but we get paid $1,000 to go toward the cost of showcase. And so far, I think we've raised quite a bit of dinero.

The day after I basically had my "blogger breakdown", I cut all my hair off. For the last 7 months I've been transitioning to go natural, and I'm so happy I bought those shears. It was time. I needed this kind of change. And when I think about it, I'm in a really good place in my life. A year ago, I would have cried for weeks if I had to cut all my hair off, but I was ready for it this time. I'm still very new and I watch every hair journey, I look at every hairblog, youtube video, forum, fotki.... you name it, I've probably come across it. I've never been big on my hair because I've never really had to do it. But now, its all about me... and I want to make sure I do it right. So far, I'm happy with the results.

In Academic News, I've had 2 out of the 3 dance midterms of my last semester. And I got an A- on my ballet, and I'm thinking a strong B on my jazz.. My teacher said that if she needed to meet with anyone about their progess in the class that she would email them... Havent received the email yet, so I'm thinking that maybe I did ok.

Unnecessary Stress: Like I said in the beginning, I've really been stressing out a lot in the last month, be especially in the last 2 weeks. Showcase is coming up, and really the only stress I have with that is financial (Which I stress about constantly... Money is so trivial, yet I'm afraid to be without it **must break myself of this**) The graduation fair is next weekend, and I'm not nervous because no matter what, I will be graduating, its just the thought of the fair and making sure everything is in order. My girlfriend is moving, and so I'm moving in with my friends until the end of the semester, and moving and seeing her go are the worst things ever right now!! It's going to be hard to be here without her, but I'm going to have to deal.. I work 3 jobs; 2 out of the 3 I like, but Jimmy Johns..... THE JOB FROM HELL!!! It's not that I dont like the place, and I do enjoy some of the people that I work with, but there are others that I could STRONGLY do without.. and There are so many rules that I keep finding out about... I've worked there since last August. And recently, they've made labor cuts, so I work alone on a Sundays instead of with my favorite JJ employee... which is going to suck. Especially if I get stuck with a PIC (Person In Charge... corny isnt it?) that I dont like, since they rotate on Sundays. Part of my wishes I could quit that job, but I just cant afford to right now. And no one else is hiring. I've seriously put in like 4 applications to Starbucks, and the minute they call me, I would put in my 1 week notice... Thats right 1.... they dont get a 2 week. :)

AND FOR MY #1 STRESS: (I'm sure you've guessed it)....... Money....dinero......mulah.......argent......geld.....dinheiro....denaro. Ugh!!! WHY!!! I realize we are in a recession, and that most people are worrying about this very thing. But my issue is my pride... ( yeah, I know pride cometh before the fall... save it for someone who cares!) I would love to ask my family for money, but for some reason, I feel like they keep a tally for everything I ask for because every now and then, something will slip out about how they gave me this and how I only call when I need money. Yet, when I dont ask for something, they get upset with me because I should have asked them for help. It's very weird.. So, I struggle, and I try to make ends meet. And I'm convinced that if I wasnt in school with a full time course load, I would be fine... but even though I have 3 jobs, I'm really only working 30 hours a week, if that, between the 3. I know that my grandma wants to help me, but her situation is such a mess that honestly she cant. And although I would love to take the money when she offers it to me, I wont, because I dont want her to dip into the little money that she does have. My mom will never help, end of story. Aunt Jacquie.... oh, Aunt Jacquie... She's help tremendously, but it wasnt until two summers ago that she began to notice her dear niece. My mom had a massive heart attack and now suffers from heart failure and I was working 2 jobs back home for the summer... with no car to get me back and forth,, so auntie let me use her car. and for the last year in a half, if I have needed anything she has helped the best way she can. But sometimes I dont know how to accept her help. I mean, for a VERY long time there was no one there to help. But I dont think she gets that. So when she asks me if I need money and I say no, when really I mean yes, its because I cant tell if her intentions are good. I have trust issues when it comes to my family, because I cant tell one person something without the ENTIRE family finding out. Mind you, my grandma has 7 children. So, I dont tell them anything. Sucks right? I'm so alone...
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Solution: Although I have a long laundry list of stresses, I'm going to find it in myself to still be grateful... for everything. I really havent smiled a lot lately, but I'm going to try with everything in me to smile everyday. I went on youtube today and B Scott had a video about being grateful for what you have, and it really inspired me! Despite my situation and despite my monetary issues, I am still very blessed, and for the last 2 weeks, I had forgotten that everything will work out! I think because there has been so much disappointment and abrupt change in the last month, that my spirit and my will power had weakened. But I will not be broken!! If there is anytime that I need to be strong it is right now! I'm done weeping, and I'm done being a Debbie Downer. For the first time in a REALLY LOOONG time, last night, I went out with my friends to the bars. And I needed that. Sometimes just the company of friends and people who love you is therapy.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, stay encouraged. You are beautiful, and when you think that everything in your life is pulling you in different directions, take a moment with yourself, and reflect on all the good and positive things in your life! Meditate, watch a funny movie, connect with friends. But dont mope around and dont let circumstance keep you from greatness. God has given everyone patience and humility... so unlock those qualities inside of you, and keep it movin!! More importantly, be grateful, not because somewhere someone else has it much worse, but because where you are in life, is where you are suppose to be, and if you are at the bottom, your only option is to come up!

**Below is the video link for the B. Scott Video: "Be Grateful for What You Have!"**

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAo_ya-adkc

~La'~

Who's There to Save the Hero....

"I lay alone awake at night, Sorrow fills my eyes, But I'm not strong enough to cry, Despite of my disguise. I'm left with no shoulder, But everyone wants to lean on me. I guess I'm their soldier. Well, who's gonna be mine"

This morning I was listening to this song on my way to work and it touched me in such a deep way that I had to write about it. The last time a song touch me the way this one did, was when I was on my way to rehearsal and I was listening to Alicia Key's interlude As I Am (Prelude to a Kiss) because it made me think of mama. But this one right here, totally reflects on my life and the way I've been feeling for a long time.

I always give this impression that I'm so strong and that nothing really affects me, and if it does, it doesnt affect me for very long. But thats so not the case. I have a lot of things that I deal with on a regular basis inside of myself that no one will ever know about. Most of the time I feel lost, but I dont allow myself to go into a place where I cant find myself. So in a sense, I guess you can say I have a very strong will power. My whole life I have always been the person that everyone goes to about school, relationships, family, sometimes sexlife. Even when I was a little girl, I would counsel my friends on the playground when they would fight with one another. I guess you could call me the mediator. I've always been the person who knows everything about everyone else because they would come to me for advice.

But no one really knew/knows anything about me.

I've always been a private person. My family doesnt even know that much about me. They have speculated some stuff, but none of them have really ever tried to talk to me about feelings, relationships, school... nothing really. Unless it was pertaining to money or church. As a child, I would watch people, and listen very carefully. I had a lot of, I guess you could say "street knowledge" because I would learn stuff from TV, movies, people in public places, overhearing adult conversations. And I would apply it to my life and whatever situation a friend needed help with. I still people watch to this day. I was reading a conversation in my facebook inbox yesterday that I had with my ex, and it made me realize that I am very headstrong. I dont like for anyone to take credit for my "growth" process in life, because I've always felt as though everything I've went through in life was a reaction of myself. And I still feel that way. Yeah, I'm twenty-two, but my God..... I've been through a lot. And it may not be as much as someone who has clearly had a worse situation than me, but I view them as equally important.

"I bottle all my hurt inside, I guess I'm living a lie. Inside my mind each day I die, What can bring me back to life? A simple word, a gesture, Someone to say you're beautiful, Come find this buried treasure, Rainbows lead to a pot of gold"

As a teenager, I suffered from depression. I would get up, go to school, go to afterschool activities, come home, and go right to my room.. and repeat. I didnt talk to anyone, I didnt want to interact. I just wanted to be left alone. I guess it was easier than facing the problems on the other side of the door. And I think that I've learned to suppress that hurt and disappointment that I felt back then. And everyone now and then it comes back, and I have to figure out a new way to supress it. Since then, I think everything I've done in life has been a reaction to it. I have a fear of failing, and a fear of moving back home.. Failing, because I've always had to be the best at what I do, and moving back because there is nothing there for me but heartache and unresolved issues (that will never be resolved). Which is why, I work so much. I have to support myself, and I have to know that I'm able to provide for myself so I dont ever put myself back in that environment.. I just dont think I would make it out. Not a second time around. I think the only way I would go home is if mama needed me, and thats it.

"I've given too much of myself, And now it's driving me crazy (I'm crying out for help?)Sometimes I wish someone wouldJust come here and save me...Save me from myself"

Right now, I have great friends, a great relationship, and my family is somewhat trying to be in my life. But somehow, its not enough. Lately, I've felt like all my friends are distant. I work a lot, and I usually just go home after work and do nothing. Hang out with Ace. Every now and then I get a text about whats going on. But, I'm never able to do anything. All my friends know my off day is Saturday, but for some reason everything happens Thursday and Friday... hmm.... I know Avery's busy, but sometimes I dont think he realized how much he means to me. I'm happy that he's found happiness in his fraternity, and I know that he has other friends, but unfortunately, I think I had become too dependent on him as a friend, and the only person I've done that with is Dom... and she's never let me down. **sidnote... I miss her soo much* Due to some recent unfortunate events, I'm going to have to move in with my friends, and hopefully this will bring us closer. It's always easier to hang out with people when you have the convenience of living with them.

"Who's there to save the hero, When she's left all alone, And she's crying out for help. Who's there to save the hero, Who's there to save the girl...After she saves the world."

Now... to the reason for the post.

Last year, I got into a HUGE fight with Ace... I mean catastrophic. I had lost all feeling for anything and everything I believed in was challenge, all within a 24 hour timespan. And you know what? No one was there. Not because they didnt want to be, not because I didnt want them to be. But, because they couldnt. I finally came to terms last year that I was not bisexual, but that I only wanted women. And while, you would think it would be liberating to be yourself, and love who you love, and not be ashamed of who you are, it was the most alienating and devisive thing thats ever happened to me. Why? because I was put in a box. As soon as my family found out, I felt like they were waiting for it to fail. One of my aunts just thinks that this is part of a "testimony" and a phase in my life. Mama thinks that she didnt do a good job of raising me, and now questions herself and wants to know where she went wrong. I'm sure if my mom knew and could understand, she wouldnt talk to me. I mean, the list goes on. And before that fight, I didnt care what they thought. I've never felt like my friends were waiting for it to fail, but they really value our friendship and if I were to tell them what happened, they wouldnt have looked at Ace the same way. And I didnt want that to happen. So there I was, alone. With no one to talk to, yet I needed everyone the most then. I think very highly of myself, and that I'm a good person, and I can never understand why bad things happen to me. I'd never felt so alone in my life. All I wanted to do was call home, and get some words of encouragement that Ace and I were going to be ok and that every relationship has its faults; I just wanted my friends to be there so we could have "comfort" food and watch movies and just forget about the events that passed and kindof let the wounds heal. But nothing. I've always been there, always had the right words to say, the world had me when everything was great, but when I needed it, it was nowhere to be found.

"Who's there to save the girl...After she saves the world"

~La'~

And The Winner is....?

Showcase is a month and 5 days away, and as always, I'm feeling a little under prepared. As of yesterday, everyone has picked their songs, so that is done at least. But, we have yet to start our group numbers, cut the songs that we have picked (and had picked for almost 3 wks now), and at least choreograph something.... Eventhough we dont have a choreographer... and Lord willing, we will keep it that way, if they arent professional. Honestly, I think we could do it on our own.

I'm moving. Not by choice, but by circumstance. I've begun to come to terms with it. I currently live with my girlfriend, but due to the horrific economy of OHIO, she is moving to ATL with her cousin.. Which is fine. If I had to leave her in the hands of another human being, he would be the one. He'll motivate her, and keep her heading on the path that she needs to be going down. A change of scenery will be good. She graduated in December and its time to move on. Well, moving on means I'm moving in... With Denise, Carson and Kelly... Which, will be interesting. I love them, but like I usually do at home, I will probably end up keeping to myself. I have to start packing some time this week. She put in the 30 days notice today, which made it official.

Born Again Believer.

It's been a while... But I'm back! Different site, same person, more drama than ever.... I began my "bloggin journey" years back on xanga. But it's a different day, and most definitely a different person.. Time to grow up.

I've always believed in writing to clear the mind. And I think its great that I can write on the computer. Growing up, I always kept a journal, part of me thinks its what kept me sane. But I think writing on here is easier and thoughts come a little quicker for some reason.

A Little about myself. I'm almost a college grad majoring in Musical Theatre. I have great friends, which is something that I'm definitely realizing now, in light of some recent decisions that have been made. I'm an only child in one way, but one of SEVERAl in another. I have found love and I will do whatever it takes to keep it. Like most black families, they are very religious.... and I'm not. I do believe in God, but not a God of convenience, which I see is the case with most people. While Politics can be interesting, I find myself only caring the most about it every 4 years... I'm a workaholic, mainly because I have a phobia of not being able to support myself, no matter how big or small the paycheck. Having said that, I think that sleep is a luxury, expecially in college. I have an addiction to Starbucks, thank God I'm friends with some of the coworkers or I'd be broke ;)

stay tuned.