It Doesnt Mean Anything..

Do you ever feel like your life has been somewhat of a dream, or nightmare, that you just cant wake up from? Or that sometimes you feel like a stranger to yourself, watching yourself spiral out of control, yet no one else can see it? Once again, as always, I'm in a weird place in life. I don't know which way is up, and which is down. I cant think about anything clearly, because I'm thinking about everything at one time.

While watching Bridget Jones's Diary last night, one line stuck out the most; "Why is it that when something is actually going right in your life, something else falls completely apart and leaves you in shambles?" I wish I knew the answer to that. I find myself constantly battling to keep everything going right. And it never does.

Why is this my life? Personally, I think that I'm a nice person. I do for others when I can, I make MANY sacrifices for the good or betterment of the situation, I'm faithful, I'm a loyal friend, I try to be a good family member, I keep a smile on my face, when really I'm hurting beyond belief. All in vain. Everything feels like its in vain.

Mama is still at Evergreen. I called my mom last night, and before I could even say how are you, she asked me for money... And her excuse for asking? Her birthday is next week and she wants to be able to do something... I don't even want to discuss my pathetic birthday.. Aunt Jacquie called me the other night, which is very surprising because I haven't talked to her in weeks. I'm wondering if Selina called her and gave her the news.. Its was a pretty unexpected call.

I think that at some point in my life, I will need to see a therapist. I seem to be losing any type of emotion, or passion that I have for the things that I love. This has been happening for a while though, but recent events have just made me really not want to do anything anymore. I just want to work, finish this show I'm in, and just work some more.. I don't really want to audition for anything, I don't want to sing for anyone. I just want to be. I haven't been able to eat recently. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I think it might be due to stress. I just hope I don't get gray hairs lol, that's the last thing I need!

I hope that one day soon I can have a happy post :(