Blame it on the Alcohol! (yeah, whatev)

oh My... What a week! First and foremost, TGIF! Secondly, how my life has drastically changed in just one week..

As of Monday, I am single. Wow, I haven't said that in a really long time. And Why you might be asking yourself (or not lol)? Not by choice, but by infidelity. I did not ask for this behavior to occur, but honestly, I should have seen it coming. The phone calls were becoming less and less, there were more events filling her time with lots less time to talk to me, and somehow, I didn't talk to her for entire weekends... Now, how does that work? Also, her track record really isn't that great in the faithful department, so I really shouldn't be so upset.

But, I am.... I was very hurt, and I felt betrayed at first. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I felt like my heart had been stabbed by fifty different knives, and that I would never get through this. Well, that turned into anger because I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be cheated on, even if it was a mistake. I know how mean I can get when I feel betrayed, so I decided that it was best that we be friends because I wouldn't be able to just talk on the phone anymore, since that's really our only source of communication (well, was our only source). But Now, lol, now I'm cool. I still love Ace very much, but I have to live my life. And I cant allow these silly antics to cloud my vision and my purpose in life. Yeah, its OK to be sad for a night, but joy, and oh what joy, comes in the morning PEOPLE... I do want us to be together, and like she said, we will probably end up together. And I really wasn't feeling her when she said that. It seemed a bit cocky to me. But honestly, I do think she is my soul mate, and if we don't spend our lives together, I know we will still be great friends.

Rehearsal is fabulous. Brenda really let loose and sang today and was really getting into her role as queen and she is the ULTIMATE diva. I should be taking notes lol. We did a rough run through of the first act, and I think its going to be really good. I cant believe that I'm working with such great people on my first show in NY. I'm truly blessed and I don't take anything for granted, because it can be taken away in the blink of an eye...

It Doesnt Mean Anything..

Do you ever feel like your life has been somewhat of a dream, or nightmare, that you just cant wake up from? Or that sometimes you feel like a stranger to yourself, watching yourself spiral out of control, yet no one else can see it? Once again, as always, I'm in a weird place in life. I don't know which way is up, and which is down. I cant think about anything clearly, because I'm thinking about everything at one time.

While watching Bridget Jones's Diary last night, one line stuck out the most; "Why is it that when something is actually going right in your life, something else falls completely apart and leaves you in shambles?" I wish I knew the answer to that. I find myself constantly battling to keep everything going right. And it never does.

Why is this my life? Personally, I think that I'm a nice person. I do for others when I can, I make MANY sacrifices for the good or betterment of the situation, I'm faithful, I'm a loyal friend, I try to be a good family member, I keep a smile on my face, when really I'm hurting beyond belief. All in vain. Everything feels like its in vain.

Mama is still at Evergreen. I called my mom last night, and before I could even say how are you, she asked me for money... And her excuse for asking? Her birthday is next week and she wants to be able to do something... I don't even want to discuss my pathetic birthday.. Aunt Jacquie called me the other night, which is very surprising because I haven't talked to her in weeks. I'm wondering if Selina called her and gave her the news.. Its was a pretty unexpected call.

I think that at some point in my life, I will need to see a therapist. I seem to be losing any type of emotion, or passion that I have for the things that I love. This has been happening for a while though, but recent events have just made me really not want to do anything anymore. I just want to work, finish this show I'm in, and just work some more.. I don't really want to audition for anything, I don't want to sing for anyone. I just want to be. I haven't been able to eat recently. I just feel like I'm going to throw up. I think it might be due to stress. I just hope I don't get gray hairs lol, that's the last thing I need!

I hope that one day soon I can have a happy post :(

Life goes ON...

Hello Bloggers.... its been a while..

Updates:

~ Graduation happened.... Thank God. I was ready for school to just be done. A lot more people showed up then expected. But showing up doesnt mean it was a good day, there was still drama, and needless to say, I ended up staying another night and letting the fam take my stuff to Cincinnait.

~ Moved home for a couple of months.. It took forever to find a job and when I finally did, it was in a bakery.. If thats not a sign that my stay in Cinci should be short, than I dont know what is. I stayed with my sis, in Walnut Hills, and that was such a great time.. Minus the over dramatic girlfriend, and her very thirsty friend... ugh.. It was hard sleeping on a couch, and literally living out of my suitcase. I didnt realize how much stuff I still had until I saw all of it in the corner of the room, and when I packed it all up at the end of July to put in my aunts basement until further notice..

~I moved to New York.. Yep. Packed up my stuff (well, 2 suitcases worth), bought a plane ticket and left. I woke up at the beginning of July and decided that I was leaving the 31st. no exceptions.. And I did. And it has been quite an experience since I got here. Within the first week I got a job, but not just any normal 9 to 5. I was working as a delivery girl for a catering company. Umm, yeah, harder than I thought, but worth every moment. My boss was French and very hard to understand.. but somehow I managed. After 3 weeks, he fired me because I brought the wrong olives back from the grocery store. So, I was jobless for a couple days and freaking out a little. I walked like 5 miles last wednesday looking for a new job.. Coogans Pub told me to come in Thursday morning to start training.. I wanted a serving job, so I guess its kindof a blessing that he fired me, so I had the opportunity to look for other employment. Christophe (my boss) didnt really appreciate my hard work anyway.. it was time to move on. I also started training a japanese/vegetarian restaurant in my neighborhood so hopefully i start getting good hours there as well.

~I'm in a show!! it's called Plagued and its set in like medieval times and its basically about Cinderella's daughter Dusty and how Prince charming's mother wants Dusty to marry soon so the family line can continue.. of course she opposes!! I'm in the ensemble.. but its cool because its part of NYMF (New York Musical Theatre Festival) Which is a big deal here. I'm working with a lot of tony nominated/ broadway actors and I'm very excited and thankful that I was picked to be a part of it. We have our meet and greet/ first rehearsal on Friday.

~Generally, I'm ok. I've been stressing out a lot about ridiculous thing, most of which are out of my hands. But I think thats just how I am. I overanalyze and I tend to over think a lot of things as well. The bad part about that is, I tend to forget the more important things because I'm freaking out about the unimportant things. My birthday is Sunday, and I'm not very excited.. But I've never been excited about it, or really any holidays. Mainly, because if I get too excited, I'm usually let down. My roommates want to have a housewarming party for our bdays, since Denise's is 2 days away from mine, but they will both have furniture, and I wont, and I kinda want to be a litte more furnished before I invite people over.. I dont know, maybe it doesnt matter.. Mama is in the hospital with pneumonia. I hate it, I wish I could be there with her. But Rehab is going well and she will be home in no time.