Paradise Circus

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,

we can roll ourselves over 'cause we're uncomfortable

Oh well the devil makes us sin

But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin.

Love is like a sin my love

For the ones that feels it the most

Look at her with her eyes like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

Oh, ho..

It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm,

we can roll ourselves over when we're uncomfortable

Oh well the devil makes us sin

But we like it when we're spinning, in his grin.

Oh, ho,..

Love is like a sin my love

For the one that feels it the most

Look at her with her smile like a flame

She will love you like a fly will never love you, again

2 More months... and a frequent use of the word IMPORTANT.

I can not believe that we are days away from April. I cant remember January and February at all. I mean, I remember a few things, but nothing of real importance. Probably because nothing too important happened during those months.

BUT, as always, a lot has happened in the last week. I realized recently that maybe I've been caring too much, if that's possible. As you know, I've been really stressed out, mainly because of my financial situation, but honestly I think I've learned a huge lesson here: LEARN HOW TO BUDGET...

But more importantly, I've learned a lesson that I don't think many people get the privilege of learning.

When things are too easy, we forget everything. We forget about dieting, we forget about museums, we forget about parks, and walking, and riding a bus just to see whats above ground. And sometimes the Universe has to give us a VERY hard lessen to learn: In order to truly value our success, we must first start from scratch. Without influences, teachings, theories....

I've been so wrapped up in how awful everything has been for me, that I have forgotten the little things.. The important things.

I have people in my life who obviously see my potential, even when I don't, and have helped me in ways that I could have never imagined. Yeah, its been hard, but honestly, it has not been NEARLY that bad.

And so, as Spring so often makes us, I'm going to start looking at the positives, because ultimately, I am in charge of my journey and I decide what kind of energy I'm going to surround myself with.

Spring Cleaning...... But not just clothes, papers, shoes, clutter... But Spring Cleaning my energy and not allowing trivial things, or people, get in the way of my journey.

For a while, I thought that I was plateauing and that I was just giving in to what I thought was to be my new path.. but its not.. Its only a detour, or rather, a different approach to getting where I'm meant to be.

I look around me and I see a lot of waste. So many people take for granted the things that they have... If only they would open their hearts and see that most of the stuff they have, they don't really need. I cant tell you how many times I throw away uneaten food from my refrigerator.. At first, I was pissed because it was just sitting there rotting and taking up space.. but that quickly turned into sadness... Because for the past couple months, I've eaten eggs, and whatever else was inexpensive at the store.. And to think, that the people in my life will buy food, pretend to eat it and then let it sit for weeks without being touched, really did something to my spirit. It made me value things more, especially food. SOO much is wasted in America and it just sucks that most people will never notice it... because it will never directly affect them.. Or, maybe it will.. but most people just see it as a draught, or being "poor" and they dint look at it as a lessen..

Believe me, it is always a lessen, it is always a test... and it is only what we take from it that matters.. It either keeps up stuck, or it helps us grow.

I choose to grow.

Some Call it Coincidence. But I like to Call it Fate...

I am soo bored..

All of my friends are out of town.. and I'm in the heights, and really, I've been in the heights for about a month in a half now... ::sighh::

Tomorrow will be 6 months for me and my significant other.. I'm so happy. I'm really grateful for this love.. It honestly might be the one thing that has kept me sane during this very very dark time in my life..

I just saw the most amazing you-tuber today. Of course, she is a natural hair vlogger, but her tutorials are amazing and her hair is pretty much awesome. I remember when I first decided to go natural with my hair, I was on YouTube EVERYDAY, watching videos, tutorials, hair journeys, you name it, I was watching it. And I learned soo much. But there was so little I could do with my hair because when I cut it, I had a really small fro, and all the videos I was watching were for longer hair naturals. So now that I'm two years in, I can really appreciate these videos and start using the tutorials to my advantage. Especially since my hair is mad long..

Tomorrow could potential change the course of my life.. I am finally meeting with the District Manager of the Soho West Broadway Aveda to discuss the Guest Coordinator position that I have been waiting for, for about a month. I can only hope that she makes me an offer tomorrow and I can put my week notice in at Brooklyn Industries and finally be able to pay my bills. This is all contingent on getting a pay raise, obviously.. But I will be full-time, with Benefits (Contacts anyone?)

High of 57, Mostly Cloudy

Wow, what a week..

Another week atomic bombs. So much has happened this week. Pregnancies, separations, new employments... Its just a lot going on.

I'm feeling MUCH better. Strep throat is no joke.. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm still waiting on my new job offer.. It seems like they really don't need me, since its taking so long to offer it to me. I cant say that its not getting harder and harder each day to stay in New York. I'm losing my fire. I'm so sick of working, just to pay bills, and not have ANYTHING left over... The Guest Coordinator position I'm up for would bring full-time, benefits, vacation time... and a much NEEDED pay raise. Which is why I cant understand why its taking so long to get it. I'm so behind on everything..

I went and sat in a church for 3 hours yesterday and prayed.. Not sure if it's going to do much. I pray at home and my situation is still the same.. So... ya know.. But I must say, the organ that was playing was beautiful.

I'm seriously considering subletting my room, and taking a break from here. It's just so expensive.. But if I took a break, I would lose my job, and when/if I came back, I would have to start over.. and I just cant look for yet another job.. I'm so burnout on job searches. So, maybe a friend will let me crash on their couch or something.. ugh.. why is this my life.

And here I am now, At Brooklyn Industries... Hanging on by a thread.. literally. I think its to the point where I don't even know if I have the energy to have a breakdown.. I had a nice conversation with one of my friends last night.. But I couldn't really talk. It's hard to give advice when your mind is so cloudy.

Humdrum..

The last 3 days of my life have been somewhat of a blur.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with the worst sore throat of my life.. I mean, just awful. But i still worked out (dedication :), came home, showered ate, rested and proceeded to work. I should have known something was wrong when I couldn't open my eyes or move while taking the train downtown. I got to work and all hell broke loose.

I thought that maybe i just needed a tea so I went to Starbucks before my shift started and got a venti green tea, walked back into work, and instantly felt nauseous and could barely stand up. So, my boss let me go down to the stock room and "unload shipment".

Did I mention I had really bad chills? Which can only mean I was running a high fever since my body temp was extremely hot.

Somehow, I made it through the shift, cant say I remember much about it, but I got home and immediately took my temp... 102.2.... waited a 10 minutes, took it again...102.8.. hmm was I dying? I mean really..

My roomie gave me some Tylenol PM in hopes that it would break the fever, so I layed on the couch, immobile, and waited for something to happen..

nothing happened. Took my temp again.. same results.. But I was too weak to go to the hospital so I just went to my bed and tried to sleep it off... Didn't work. I was up half the night, peeing, and wishing I could rip my throat out.

7:30am Wednesday- Got out of bed, took my temp... 102.8... Guess it was time to suck it up and go to the hospital. It took me half an hour just to put on clothes, my body was so weak. Finally I made it to the hospital. Barely able to speak, checked in, vitals checked.. and sat in a chair meant for an eye exam for two hours.. How uncomfortable.. Finally my nurse comes and tells me they need me to pee in a cup.. Something that could have been done the minute they put me in that f-ing room. So, I did.. and waited another half an hour for them to tell me I wasn't pregnant and finally move me to another section of the hospital where hopefully I would be seen faster... hmm, not really.

Finally a room was available and I could lay in an actual bed, well gurney. Half an hour later, a nurse came and checked my vitals and my temp was still 102.. you would think that as an ER, they would move a little faster for someone with a temp that high... ugh, hate hospitals..

So the doctor comes in and actually asks me, "What can I do for you today?"... I'm sorry, excuse me?? Isn't there a chart somewhere that has exactly what I need for you to do for me today, on it? I've told seven other people what I need today, and the doctor is the only one who doesn't know? How odd.. So again, I told her what was wrong, in the little voice that I did have.. she listened to my heart, lungs, checked my ears, and when she finally checked inside my mouth.. her words were, AND I QUOTE, "ooooo....ouch!".....

I'm sorry, did I miss something?

So she decides that its finally time for an I.V. filled with antibiotics, steroids, and fluids, so I can start filling better and we can get the swelling down in my throat.. As much as I hated her for taking so long, I was happy that finally something was being done. Oh, and I got the most painful shot of penicillin in my bum... bollocks.

After another two hours, my fever was finally down to at least 100.1, and they were ready to release me, it wasn't until then that they told me I had strep throat... Where the hell did I get strep throat? I tell you, in the last 5 years, I have never been sicker than how sick I've been since moving to this dirty city... The doc gave me a prescription for Tylenol with codeine and sent me on my way..

So, I've been home.. watching TV shows, catching up on the Oscar nominated movies, and drinking tea, sipping chicken noodle soup, and occasionally sucking on a Popsicle. All the while, my throat still killing me, and popping pills since I didn't get my Tylenol with codeine until today.

I lost out on more than twenty hours of work this week, and while it sounds bad, I think the consequences of going to work, would have been much worse.. Obviously I was super contagious and needed to be confined to one place, just me and my germs.

Last night, I broke.... It's hard to be in an apartment, couped up, just you and the animals, no one to talk to, but hell- I couldn't talk anyway. My only link to the outside world was facebook. And honestly, it was a tad bit boring on there as well. I got really good news last night, but I also got really bad news last night.. I caught up with a friend on ichat- much needed- and since I've been somewhat of a insomniac lately, in order to fall asleep I took a couple swigs of NyQuil around 2am, and was out by 2:15... But wide awake by 8......

Why must the universe toil with me..... constantly...

I decided today, out of exhaustion and possibly starvation, that this is all a test... Just to see how far I can go before I break.. I was at my breaking point last week, or at least I thought I was, when I layed in the bed with drew and nearly had a nervous breakdown.

My hours at work were cut, so I got a second job :/

I made some financial cuts, so I got rid of my iPhone :/ :/

The house in Ohio was foreclosed, so money has been extremely tight :/ :/ :/

Because I'm so poor, I've missed any and every audition worth going to for the season... ugh.

I mean, I really could go on for days.. but I wont.

I will say, in my defense, that I am still alive.. and as hard as it is to do, I am trying to take it a day at a time..

March seems like its going to be a better month for me. I foresee some great things happening. Just gotta make it these last three days in February.

Here goes nothing..

Another 6 month update...

Wow.. I find it hard to believe that the last blog I wrote was in July of last year. What a horrible time in my life.....

I'm happy to say that much has changed.. Whether its for the better, I'm not sure yet.

I started blogging for a natural hair care site. I love it, it gives me something to look forward to. I started working for Aveda, and I have to say, what a blessing that has been. Who knew I would finally stumble upon something that I actually look forward to going to, work that is...

There is a new love in my life.. And I must say that it is wonderful. Finally. Something thats real. This love makes all the other B.S. in my life seem trivial. For someone to be able to come in your life and give you so much fulfillment is just.... bliss.. I just dont take ANY of it for granted.

I was reading essence mag today, and there was an article on finding happiness.. It's so crazy how we allow such insignificant things to affect our happiness.. I decided to meditate for at least 15 minutes a day. I need it. or insanity is definitely on the horizon...

I also started working out. I'm going to actually attempt to wear a bathing suit this summer.. I plan to buy it in April.. so, hopefully, by April I will be comfortable enough to go into a fitting room and try one on.. beer goggles anyone?